Immortal

Part 7 - [Not] Getting Older

The following years saw me try to become.an alcoholic but when the only thing that touched me was whatever Natasha had a hold of, she hid it away. Whiskey tasted good but never got rid of the memories or the feelings of hurt and regret.

Mr Stark couldn't or wouldn't help me though he tried his best to listen. I guess there's only so much you can hear the same questions asked without being able to give an answer before you year your hair out and give up.

Time continued and I moved on and around; I left New York behind and went off grid. Nobody could find me, nobody knew who I was and nobody gave me pitying looks when they saw me, nobody talked about me behind my back.

Nobody had my back.

He didn't have my back.

Wherever I went though - Singapore, Budapest, Egypt, Nigeria... I always seemed to see his face somewhere, on someone that when I blinked was obviously someone else or was just a blank place. My PTSD returned full force and soon I was locked away in a cabin in the middle of nowhere with nobody around for miles, hiding under my bed when there was a thunderstorm or the kids brought fireworks in for the various holidays. It never got better; I just resigned myself to it.

I tried drugs when the drink didn't work; I tried to overdose but I just ended waking up on my bedroom floor with an empty stomach and a filthy carpet. I changed to tiles, wood and lino. It didn't matter what I inhaled, swallowed or injected I would still wake up the next day angrier and emptier than the day before.

After drugs there was sex; I got a lot of that with anyone who was up for it. It did lead me into some tight situations where I was caught with women I shouldn't have been, men who thought I was a pushover... others who decided not to give me a chance and just took what they wanted. I'd heal and shut myself away again for months and sometimes years at a time.

When I had gone through all my options and felt nothing but regret and self hatred, I headed back into New York to see what 'the future' actually looked like. I was horrified and disappointed to say the least. The first person I sought out was Mr Stark; when I found him again I didn't know what to say or do with the man in front of me laying in a hospital bed, barely a shadow of his former self. We took a few long weeks and caught up - life had happened and he hadn't had it good though he had done the best he could. A young man called Peter was now doing all of Stark's work; with a little time he'd be smarter than his tutor.

Tony told me Natasha was gone; she'd gone 'on a mission' for a former employer but it had all been a setup that she couldn't use her brains or body to get out of. She had been found on a remote hiking trail barely alive, by the time the rescue team arrived she had passed away. I shed lonely tears in the room Tony had always set aside for me; it would stay mine, the young man had assured me. He had been apprised of my history and 'modifications', he knew how to do the upkeep and was working on improvements to help me.

April 25th was another hell; Tony Stark's machines couldn't save him and he died in his sleep while I stood outside. Virginia said I could stay as long as I wanted but once the funeral was over I felt out of place, like a third-wheel, so I moved on again and took it upon myself to help those in need.

Those with the money to hire me at least.

I had never forgotten my military training and had since gone on to do more - I was the deadliest assassin that money could buy. I didn't care what the job was as long as kids weren't involved; everyone else was fair game - I can tell you that some of the worst scum on this surface are over the age of fifty and parade as stand up members of their communities. It's always such a surprise to their loved ones when their dirty secrets are revealed in their deaths. I didn't always make it painless, especially if their crimes involved hurting children and animals. People are assholes and the women are just as bad as the men. Sometimes worse because they can get away with it; nobody wants to believe a woman could do the things I saw evidence of... but they can.

I never looked away and made sure I looked them right in the eye as they took their final breaths; sometimes I would let them see me so they knew how badly their life choices had led them to fuck up.

I made assholes disappear - I was cleaning up the streets and making it safer, I never faltered. Not until I saw my latest mark, my mission. I picked up the information and spread out the papers and pictures as I normally would.

There he was, smiling back at me; Steve Rogers.