Starting Over

Eight

"I could still remember the time when I knew I was pregnant so vividly..."

Her soft, raspy voice was audible and clear amidst the strong blowing of the wind and the orchestra of nature's sounds around them. They felt like lifeless souls among the life surrounding them –the peaceful rustle of the leaves of the trees, filtering the rays of the sun through its gaps which made it look like twinkling diamonds in between the leaves, the occasional tweeting of the sparrows and the loud whisper of the wind. It seemed like a background music to their current situation, only making them realize how melancholic it all was.

Sean and Kaycee were seated on the grass, right in front of the tombstone and the angel statue, with silence, once again, as their company. They both had calmed down now, but occasionally, a tear slips from Sean's eyes every time he took a glance at the name in front of him.

He always thought that the lines he felt like his soul left his body was an exaggeration – but he didn't realize that maybe, that was an understatement. The moment Serris told him, he felt like another part of him died, and he didn't know what is actually left of him. He couldn't even remember how he actually got into a cab, nor told the cab driver his destination with his jumbled thoughts, but somehow, he managed. 

All he wanted was to talk to Kaycee, but he didn't expect that it would be this way – in memory of their lost child.

He didn't expect her talk first, either. They had been silent for too long, and he really didn't know what to say except that he is sorry.

Sean slightly turned to look at Kaycee, her clear, hazel eyes, trained on the angel statue in front of them.

There was a small, sad smile on her lips as she reminisced. "Tahani and I were in our favorite breakfast place, and I ordered my usual," Kaycee continued, her voice nostalgic. "But when Tina served it, the smell hit me, and it was so awful. I ran to the comfort room and just spilled my guts out. Tahani and I thought I was sick, but Tina came in laughing and said I may just be pregnant," she paused. "Then I took the test, and it turned out positive. I wanted to make sure so I made an appointment the next day, and turned out I was five weeks along."

Silent tears fell on Sean's cheeks as he stared at her, feeling his heart already battered with all that had happened in the last days, and what had happened those years ago.

Kaycee finally met his eyes, her gaze now a little braver as she looked right at him. "For a moment I was scared then, Sean. He or she wasn't part of our plans just yet, we barely got through our wedding preparations. I was scared of our parents, especially yours. I know Miya and Cheuk would prefer us to get married first. But...I was at peace at the fact that there was you. I never once thought that you wouldn't want this child. In fact I knew, that if you were here...you would cause a scene and share it to all the strangers around," she let out another sad smile.

"W-Why d-didn't you tell m-me, Kayc?" Sean asked, voice cracking.

If she'd told him right away, would it take away the little loneliness he felt while he was away? Would that stop him from making the biggest mistake of his life?

Kaycee sighed as she looked at her fingers. "I was going to, you know? I bought these baby clothes and put it in a box, planning to give it to you once you come home from tour. But it –it just didn't turn out the way we wanted it to..."

Sean could only shut his eyes as he cried, running his fingers through his hair in despair. Now he understood it all. Kaycee wasn't only broken for what he did, but she was severely broken for what she lost.

He didn't know he broke two lives that time.

"I-It was m-my f-fault. A-All m-my f-fault. A-And I'm s-sorry. I'm s-sorry."