Dear Emma, Love Killian. |COMPLETED|

Day 374

Dear Emma,

I can't do this anymore. I'm trying and trying and everyone can see that but there's no way to escape all that's happened, that's happening.

I honestly thought you were getting better Swan, I honestly did. I thought that you were healing and I was counting down the days til I hoped I'd be with you again but I was wrong. I was so wrong Emma, all that seemed right was wrong. Nothing is right anymore.

I'm sat with my knees scrunched up to my chest as I write this letter to you, as the dreams and hopes of us disappear from my head. All that I thought was reality is a dream Em, more so like a nightmare. There's nothing I can do right now except cry and like I keep saying I promised you I'd stay strong and I'm not, I'm just growing weaker, nothing is going to be okay anymore.

The doctor's saw an abnormality in your recent examination and assumed it was nothing so I didn't worry. I asked your mother and father to come and stay with me whilst I got the results so they did and everything looked okay, fine as you were wheeled into the examination room and I let go of your hand and left you there like I've learnt to do. It all seemed fine.

I paced the corridor up and down like I usually do and waited whilst Snow and David watched for the results. It all seemed okay Em, nothing was abnormal and Doctor Whale came out of the room 46 minutes and 6.7 seconds later. It was one minute and 6.7 seconds later than usual but I assumed nothing. Gullible of me.

Then Doctor Whale came out of the room with his hands in his pockets, looking at the floor, avoiding eye contact and something inside me knew something was wrong, but I assumed it was nothing, hoped it was nothing. I played off the feeling of worry which flew through my veins as he began to speak but then I knew something had happened. I knew something was wrong. I hoped there wasn't Em, I really did, but hope obviously wasn't enough.

As soon as he hesistated to finish his sentence, that feeling flew through me again, no hope. The feeling of my body shaking and my heart rate quickening and and quickening and in my chest, I thought I was gasping for air but really I was just searching for something to take my mind of it.

He told us he had completed the tests and found the problem. He kept hesitating and as much as this annoyed me, I didn't want to find out. Your Mum and Dad holding each other tight and me wiping away my tears was enough to know whatever he was going to say was going to be bad.

Then he came out and said it. He apologised several times before he did so and then he told us. It's funny how two words can define the rest of how you think, the rest of how you feel, an eternity worth of  hope can disappear and not come back. I don't want to say it again, but I'm writing these letters to you in the future, so when you read these, you won't even know what happened so I better tell you Em. I'm going to tell you.

You'll see these two words and you'll break down and I'll break down too, but you'll be with me and I'll be with you, so we can hold each other unlike I can't now. You'll be crying into my chest and I'll hug you hard, then I'll cry and you hug me, We will keep swapping over until we can cry no more because when that day comes, I'll most likely not have any tears left so you'll cry the most. As as I'm writing this, once again, I'm finding myself wiping my tears away so they don't stain the paper and ruin the ink, so when your back you can read this, it'll hurt you and I know it will, god I know it will, but that won't matter because you'll be with me.

So I'm going to come out and say it, it's going to kill me again, but you need to know. You have a stomach cancer. I could tell it was going to be something bad because Snow and David gasped, and Snow broke down, but I didn't think it would be this. What have you ever done to deserve this? What have we done? I ran down the corridor back into the room where your empty bed was, and dropped on the floor, resting my head on the edge of the bed and cried with no care about anyone seeing me.

I sat with my knees pressed up into my chest and cried, lifting my head up to take the odd singular breath, only thinking the same thought repetively. The worst part was, the thought which came, felt like a stab as it did so. The time I let go of your hand before the operation, was the last time you would hold onto it, the last time it wouldn't be reversed.

Your Mother and your Father came to my side where I was sat on the floor. I cried into their shoulders for what felt like forever, until your father lifted my head up and wiped away my tears. They told me you would get through this, they told me that you've already been through loads, and this was just the tip of the iceberg. They said you would and you needed me with you to make sure you did, like I wasn't already glued to your side anyways.

I kept thinking that you wouldn't again, you wouldn't laugh or smile at me again. I kept thinking about a world without you, and I didn't know how that was possible, because, you are my word Emma Swan, always have been, always will. Til death do us part and that wasn't going to come. Besides, before all the vow making, we need to get married right? I can't wait till that day. The wedding ring has been in my pocket since the hospital and it's not left, I keep hoping that today will be the day I propose to you, but it never is. Besides, people always say, good things come to those who wait, right? Well I've been waiting long enough and I think everyone will agree with me about that now. It's been too long. I can't wait any longer Em. I need you back so we can get married, so you can laugh and smile at me and hold me close, I need that so much right now beautiful. We need our happy beginning.

Doctor Whale said your cancer is only stage one, so he'll be able to remove it with another operation. I know that'll kill me but if it's best for you, I'll go to the edge of the world and back. I'll do anything, and god knows I mean anything, to have you with me Emma.

I miss you so so much and words can't describe that, I could keep writing and writing forever but I know that it'll make me only feel less hopeful so I'm not going to for the rest of today. There's just one last thing, which you already know but here I am, saying it again.

I love you Emma Swan and I won't stop fighting til your back in my arms.

Love, Killian.