Val The Vessel

20 / Rayleen I

The bedroom is awfully chilly. Simple actions like walking barefoot is painful if done along this icy wooden floor, which sends shivers up your legs before your toes can even reach it. I had read a magazine article that explained how cold nights are supposed to improve sleep somehow, but it must have been false because tonight is the coldest night of the year and my eyes aren't the slightest bit heavy. My mind is overindulged with thoughts of today's events. There's so much left to process but I choose to face the heartache tomorrow.

"Ray? What's wrong?"

The attempted whisper of that shaky voice gives me more than enough of a clue to figure out that it belongs to my little brother. I press a finger against my lips, gesturing for him to keep his voice down. He nods but the worry on his face doesn't falter.

"What's wrong?" he asks in a less audible tone.

"Nothin', just thinkin' about stuff. Now tell me what's wrong with you. Why you still awake?"

When Doron sighs, I can literally see his white breath exhale from his mouth. He hesistantly slides the sheets over his teeny body and buries his curly head between the pillow in one aching motion. "When you have problems sleepin', I have problems sleepin' too," he admits innocently.

"Nigga, that's not true. We ain't twins."

He giggles. It's true that we act similar, despite the fact that I'm not related to him in any way. The thought still makes me sad. Doron will always be my little brother no matter what some stupid biopsy document says.

"I just wish that you told me things. I'm always left in the dark. How am I s'posed to help if nobody ever tells me nothin'?" he whines.

"Ro, listen. There is absolutely nothin' wrong with you. You never did nothin' wrong in yo entire life. Every crappy thing that's happened to us has nothin' to do with you. What happened to Mason ain't got nothin' to do with you either. None of this is yo fault. Do you understand?"

He nods, not anticipating my sudden burst of emotion. 

"There's nothin' you can do to help. You're perfect just the way you are and I don't want you to feel like you're not good enough. Life's too short to be worryin' about things we ain't got no control over, especially at yo age. You're like ten now. Ten-year-olds shouldn't care about their older sisters' dumb problems."

I can hear sniffling from Doron's side of the room. He's so emotional.

"Hey, I didn't mean to make you cry. I just want you to know how much you mean to me. You're not a mistake. Believe me when I tell you that you're gonna do great things in this world. Okay?"

Doron covers one side of his face with his sheets. "Yeah, I understand Ray."

I try to smile. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"Goodnight, lil' boy."

He rolls over and envelopes his fragile neck with the floral blankets. I pray that he forgets about this dark period of our lives. Nothing saddens me more than the thought of Doron's agony. I don't want the most important person in my life to break down from the inside. I always act as his powerful guardian, but the truth is, Doron makes life worth living. If he wasn't here right now, I might have committed suicide after hearing the news about Mason.

The white breaths that emit from Doron's lips slow down, signaling me that he's falling asleep at long last. I would rather him be unconscious than to be an insomniac of sadness like me. How is it that the regret from making a bad choice hurts more than the consequences of that decision? The idea that your life might have been better off had you simply chosen A instead of B is the type of pain that keeps you fully awake at night. The type of pain that makes you notice even the miniscule details of your flaws. The type of pain that affects the ones you love. Mason is missing. That stupid, crazy nigga is actually missing. This isn't some nightmare either. It's all real? Lord, why him?

My eyelids collapse before I can be bombarded with sad thoughts any longer. The last thing I see is Doron's messy curls shrouding his face.

"Don't worry baby. I'll never let you end up like him. Or like me. Not in a million years."