Purified - Bennoda

Chapter Eleven

Mike pulled open the curtain hiding my bunk and gently shook me, believing I was asleep. Not wanting to reveal that I had just been losing myself in my head since we started driving from Vegas, I pretended to wake up and greet Mike with a shy smile. He tells me we're at the hotel and asks if I had a nightmare. I truthfully say no because I didn't actually sleep to induce one. He seems happy and offers to help me carry my bag inside while his large suitcase was at his side. I laugh a little at his offer, seeing his hands are full.

"That's okay, Mike, you've got your own stuff to take in," I chuckled as his cheeks turn red. He seemed to be acting a little strange, but I didn't understand it. Maybe too much was on in my mind to figure him out.

"Yeah, you're right, but are you sure?" He offers again before realizing I wasn't going to let him take my bags for me. He extends his empty hand towards me. "Well, I have a free hand, so can it at least take yours?"

"Okay," It was my turn to blush as I accepted, taking his extended hand with mine. I wasn't sure why Mike suddenly wanted to hold my hand, especially while walking into a public place, but I didn't want to jump to conclusions, so I didn't overthink the action.

Mike held my hand as we exited the bus and only let go so I could grab my bag from under the bus, taking it again before we went inside. Our manager already checked us into the rooms and met us in the lobby, handing us our keys and directing us to go to the elevator before people start to notice who we are. Not many people could recognize our faces, but they new our band, so if one person spilled our identities, it'd cause a domino effect.

The rest of the band wanted to switch up roommates because some of them snore loudly, so Mike and I went our separate ways - I could tell he didn't like it just as much as me. He would be just down the hall and we weren't staying in Arizona for long, so we should be okay. Rob and I were sharing rooms, which I was thankful for. He was more sensible than the others and probably wouldn't question me if I had a nightmare. I felt bad for Mike, who was now rooming with Brad, who has the loudest snore out of everyone in the band.

I was grateful we were on a bit of a tight schedule, so we wouldn't stay long in Arizona. Both shows were equally distanced away from my hometown, so the probability of Charlie appearing was large, but he has never shown himself at one of our concerts before. As much as I could, I shook off the anxiety.

Rob and I went to our room, setting our bags down. I took the bed closest to the door this time, not feeling comfortable being in my home state. I hated that I felt terrified just being here, but I couldn't help myself. Rob seemed satisfied with the bed closest to the window as he took in the view after setting his bags down.

"The view is great," Rob started a small conversation with me, I just nodded in agreement. "The show is just in a few hours, we'll have to go to the venue soon."

"Yeah," I agreed again, not really responding. I felt bad, he must've felt like he was talking to a brick wall, but I was too anxious to think straight.

"Ches, Mike said you were going through something," Rob pointed out, putting me further on edge. He seemed to notice. "I won't ask, I'm here though, seriously. You're like a brother, one of my best friends, it's hard watching you clearly struggle with something and not being able to help."

"I'm sorry," I apologize, unsure what else to say.

"Don't be, please quit apologizing so much. You've done nothing wrong," Rob sighs. "You know, I struggled a lot with my own stuff too. My social anxiety was crazy before I found ways to manage it. Meet and greets, concerts, and interviews were too much for me when the band took off. I thought about quitting Linkin Park, it was so bad, but I fought against that instinct to simply give in. I quit letting my anxieties take control of my life by my own will - that's the only way to truly overcome your problems. It's definitely harder than it sounds, but you have to keep at it. Healing has to start somewhere and it begins with you, what you really want out of life."

"I didn't know your social anxiety was that bad," I frowned, tears in my eyes. I knew he was right, I just still didn't know where to begin. I thought becoming a rockstar was my dream, what I wanted out of life, but I need something more. Happiness.

"I kept it locked up inside, but the point is you have the power to change the negativity that overwhelms you. I know you can do it, Chester, I know your strong - even if you don't think you are," His words draw more tears from my eyes and he comes in to hug me. "I'm always here, man, always."

"You're such a good friend, Rob, I don't deserve you," I smile a little bit, feeling slightly better after our talk. It was nice to know Rob understood where I was coming from in his own way.

"Shut up, Ches, you deserve good people around you. We have to get ready for soundcheck, so rid yourself of the anxiety I can feel radiating off of you, dry your tears, and remember you're never alone." Rob concludes and I hug him again, extremely thankful for the talk. Rob was never really an open person, so the fact that he talked to me about his past problems meant a lot.

Rob was always the shy guy of the band, the quiet drummer in the background - and that was where he wanted to be. Thinking back to when I first joined the band, he was even more reserved than he is now. He must've gotten comfortable around us at some point and started coming out of his shell. I never thought twice about how skittish he'd react at meet and greets or interviews, how quiet he would become. It makes a lot of sense to me, knowing he was just overwhelmed with anxiety. I understand how that feels and I'm a little more at east knowing he gets it.

Slightly less tense about the show tonight, Rob and I start getting ready before heading out. We meet up with the guys and Mike smiles widely when he sees me. He seizes my hand as soon as I'm near, I wonder if it's a new thing he decided to do, but don't question it as it fills me with a sense of joy. With every reassuring, gentle squeeze, I become more confused about our friendship. I could always trust Mike, so I didn't let the anxiety build, but I was starting to question.