Dear mom,
Sometimes I wonder whats the point of trying to have a relationship with you? It seems like you want me to hate you. I try, I do, I want to have a good relationship with you like how I have with dad. But you say and do stuff that parents don't do to their kids and then you except me to come to you when I have a problem? I remember a lot rather you do or not is the real question.
A memory that hunts me to this day is your 40th birthday present to yourself, you wanted to go to a musical festival and I was excited it wasn't my type but it was going to be my first. So I put on my prettiest outfit and I was ready. IT was during summer and I already didn't have a great one, I was going through a lot. I had this consent idea that I had to change and my self image was a all time low. I was worried from not seeing my best friend and how she was doing.Overall there was issues. So we go to festival and I was actually a little cheerful that day. You and dad got in a fight, you got drunk again which doesn't surprise me anymore. And you looked me in the eye and said that you were going to jump off the bridge and kill yourself. I was 15, t being last year, and although it wasn't the first time I heard this. My mind set was that dark the whole summer and hearing your mom saying that also was hard.I felt chills go up my spine and I was speechless. I remember having strangers asking me if I was okay because I was sobbing. I followed you around the concert saying I want to have a good time lets go have fun to lets just go back to the hotel.Later you meet back up with dad, and you kept talking about how if he were to even try to divorce you, you'll take as much money as you can from him how you'll get the bars and not once did you talk about how it will effect me or my brothers you just kept talking about how you would become rich. It was really hard to listen to and when I asked you what about us , you ignore me you didn't even care. You didn't care. I called a friend and broke down and still the only one asking me if I was okay were people I didn't;t even know, you were to worry about yourself to think about your kids. To think about what you told a 15 who was at such a low point in her life. She started to plane how she would end it for herself. At age 15. At age 15 I knew how I wanted to die in different ways. And I really thought of doing it.
I also remember when I was 13 and I just broken up with my boyfriend a week ago who really cared about and the only thing I asked of you was to go to sleep and the fight we had gotten into. Because you were drunk.
I remember when I was 13 and the first time you had said anything about killing herself. You came into my brothers room where I was at and you and dad just gotten into a fight and you told us that you think you allowed to many pills and having to take them all at, one by one. With My oldest brother friends helping.
I remember back in 6th grade you calling me an attention whore because I was in dance. And how much more less I become because of it. I still think of it. Am I an attention whore? I speak a lot, and I'm dramatic and I try to be funny and sweet. Im a cheerleader, ap classes, FFA member, 1st place rabbit showmen ship in at fair my first year. I cause a lot f attention to myself but at the end of the day, Im just annoying.End of the day I am an Attention whore.
And I will remember you coming into my room and complaining about me having a blunt my oldest brother gave you which was understandable and I didn't care cause I know you like it, plus I take all your other ones and you feeling the need to come back and say it not because he's your favorite, it because well he kind of is.
What sad about all of these, it was the liquor in you what made you do and say it.
Sometimes I wish I would just tell you how much you hurt me throughout my life from drinking but I'm too afraid that you'll continued because it would just confirm my thoughts tat you just don't c a r e. That you don't care about me or my brothers or dad or even yourself. There so much more I remember. So many toxic memories and they are from alcohol.
-Signed by me
one day I'll tell you what your doing effects not just you, one day.
