Advices For You

Therapy - All time low

Ohana means family

but what is a family? I don't know. I guess family is something you feel safe when you have it. Family is knowing that you can always relay on someone. Family is knowing that they will accept you as who you are. Family is a rock in the ocean. Family is water in the desert. Family is an umbrella in the rain. Family is a jacket while it's cold.

I never had this.

I don't feel safe in my family.

I can't relay on them.

I am not accepted as who I am in my family.I drown in the ocean.

I dehydrate in the desert.

I always get wet in the rain.

I can't feel my toes in the cold.

But I smile. Everyday. I always fake a smile because I hate the question 'are you alright?', because they don't really care. They just wanna know it so they can use it against you. I always force a laugh just to fit in. I can't live the way I want because my family won't accept me.

Sometimes I cry myself to sleep because  I wish I had another family. But then again I feel bad because I know if my parents would hear that it would break their heart. I just can't hate them.

You know like I wanna hate them so damn much but I can't. Cuz whatever they do, they're my parents. My sisters are easy to hate. They always call me faggot, whore or worthless piece of shit. And then they wonder why I won't hang out with them.

I just, I feel so bad for not being thankful. I mean god gave me a family while other kids don't have parents but sometimes I wish I had no parents than having mine. But then again I sound like a spoiled kid but you guys know that I am not, right?

Do you ever think bad of me? I wouldn't wonder if you do I mean who wouldn't?

This time it will be a long chapter because I try to express my feeling and I'm really bad at that. Atelophobia ya know.

When people ask me how I am doing I always have those mini flashbacks. It's crazy. And then I answer ' I'm fine, thanks for asking ' eventhough I know they don't care about the answer. They just want me to ask them how they're doing to tell me their problems because they know I always keep secrets and have a good advice for everyone. I like it, really. I like helping people. But I hate it to ask for help. I think I just can't break my pride. I try, really.

I think the reason for that is that as I came out to my mother she called me an attentionwhore. Didn't speak with me for days. The only times she would speak to me was when she wanted to tell me how much of a piece of shit I am. It was the worst few weeks I've ever had.

So I know that telling people your problems could affect the relationship you two have.

My best friend (girl) is very religious. I came out to her and it was totally fine. But after she got into trouble with her mother cuz the mother find out that she watched gay porn she started dissorciating. I asked her if something was wrong she said that everything was ok but I knew better. I even told her that I'm not bisexual anymore just to get her back but she told me that I should be who I want. But I know that she don't wanna be friends with a bisexual girl. She started hanging out with the other religious girls on our school and I miss her. We were inseparable. And now she tries to act like everythings okay but I know better.

Sure I have ' friends ' in school but they won't be her, ya know ?

Give me a therapy

stay strong, i love you