13 Reasons Why

Tape 3, Side A

Boys are assholes. Some are assholes all of the time. All are assholes some of the time. It's just how boys are. Well, maybe not all, boys.

Caleb, I know you're asking yourself why you're on these tapes. What could you possibly have done? Your name does not belong on this list. But you need to be here if I'm going to tell my story, if I'm going to explain why I did what I did because you aren't every other guy. You're different. You're good and kind and decent. And I didn't deserve to be with someone like you. I never would. It wasn't you. It was me, and everything that's happened to me.

I've ruined your life, Caleb. Just by association, you were thrown into the world that is "A." Because of me, you got shot, your mother almost died in a car accident, and most importantly, I killed your spirit. I should've never let you stay in Ravenswood. Or maybe I should've just stayed with you. If I would've stayed, then maybe you wouldn't be in that place that you are in right now. I wish you would have told me what happened in Ravenswood. Maybe I could've helped. Maybe not. Knowing that I ultimately was what caused you so much pain and suffering was too much for me to bear. And that is why you are on these tapes, because you let me into your life when you shouldn't have. You should've just walked away when you had the chance.

I wanted to be with you, Caleb, so badly. But it was selfish of me to even think of having a life with you. I wasn't a safe person to be around. Everything in my life was unpredictable. Seventeen years old and I had already been arrested twice. You wouldn't want to have a life with someone like me. A life where you're scared to even look at your phone, and one in which a black hoodie makes you paranoid.

And I'm assuming you're the one who found my body. It had to have been you, my mom, or Alison. But I know it was you. You were always there when I needed you the most. You were always the first one by my side when something went wrong or when I needed help. It's like you sensed when I was in trouble. And I always felt safe when I was with you, even when we weren't together.

I'm not mad at you Caleb for hooking up with Miranda. She was a pretty girl, and you two had a lot in common. Plus she wasn't me, so there's that. She was like a clean slate. She didn't come with all this baggage. But losing you was like losing a limb. When you came back to Rosewood (for good), it was like losing you all over again when I realized how much being in that town had changed you. Neither of us were who we used to be. We were just "two ghosts standing in the place of you and me. Trying to remember how it felt to have a heartbeat."

I'll never know what really happened in Ravenswood, but what I do know is that I could have prevented it by not asking you to stay.

I'm sorry, Caleb. And I love you.

This is the end of tape 3, side A. Flip the cassette over to find out if you're reason number 6.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: The words in quotations are from Harry Styles's song called "Two Ghosts." I think that song describes Haleb in 5A perfectly.