13 Reasons Why

Tape 4, Side B

Like Caleb, this next person doesn't belong on this list, but they're needed to tell my story.

Mom, you always wanted the best for me. You were willing to do everything to protect me and keep me safe, even if that meant sleeping with Detective Wilden, for example, to make sure the charges against me for shoplifting would be dropped. Because Dad left our family, it was hard for you to make ends meet financially. And for whatever reason, Dad never paid child support. You tried to hide the extent of the problems from me. When you heard me tell Mona that I couldn't accompany her on a shopping spree, you cut in and firmly handed me a $100 bill – the only money in your wallet. I tried to help out by finding a job, but my job hunt only led me to discover that you had unpaid loans and were in serious debt to the prospective employers. I then decided to sell some of my older accessories online to pitch in, but you told me never to sell my things again, as you could handle it. Eventually, you ended up taking the money of a dying older woman who had no relatives from her safe deposit box. And when Wilden was threatening me, you fought back. In a panic, you ran him over and drove off. But sadly, you didn't kill him. Someone else did though.

But the point of this tape is that you never know how what you do will affect someone else. And even the smallest of things can affect someone in a big way. For some of you in the next couple of tapes, you might think that what you did was nothing, that I shouldn't have been so sensitive, and I shouldn't have killed myself over what you said or did. But remember The Snowball Effect? That process started from an initial state of small significance (my dad leaving) and that one thing built upon itself: I gained weight, got nicknamed "Hefty Hanna" and was bullied, got an eating disorder, was tortured by "A", had an identity crisis, a drinking problem, was sexually harassed (I'll get to that in the next tape), etc. So, you see, your actions, no matter how small or (seemingly) insignificant can become more significant and more serious, and in my case, dangerous to the point where I couldn't take it anymore, and I took my own life.

So, Mom, even though I love you and you were there when Dad wasn't, you did something that may seem like not that big of a deal to you, but it was to me. You let Alison live with us when I was going through an identity crisis because of her. Ali told you her kidnapping story and guess what? She was never kidnapped. That story was total bullshit, and everyone bought it. And of course, you being you felt bad for her and told her to relax and take a hot bath with your bath salts. You were astounded that Ali had stayed so strong despite everything. You planned dinner, but I decided not to stick around. Not only to hang out with Caleb, but because I was pissed that you gave the bath salts to Ali when I had been asking for the longest time to use them. I avoided going home since Ali was staying over and stayed out all night drinking with Caleb. One night you and Ali decided to go to dinner together since I planned to be absent again. Before you left, a man with a knife came in the house, and left through the back door. You called the police. As mentioned earlier, Ali had Noel Kahn break into our house because she needed someone who mattered, like you Mom, to stop questioning her bullshit story that she made us all tell the police.

It hurt that you didn't even question why I was avoiding Ali. Even if you thought we were just fighting, you shouldn't have allowed her to stay at our house, never mind, my bedroom. She could've stayed with someone else. But no. I had to share a room with a "friend" who bullied me, and constantly reminded me that I never knew who the hell I was. And on top of that, you treated her like she was your daughter. Did you even see the effect that Ali had on me? Apparently not. Well, now, you know.

This is the end of tape 4, side B. Insert cassette 5 to find out if you're reason number 9.