Emmie's Entries

Valley of Broken Vows

I broke a vow tonight. I said I'd never go back there. That was two summers ago. After two years and another little burst of impulse, I finally returned. I can't make any promises as to whether or not I'll ever come back. Not this time. Not anymore. I lack the certainty and conviction I once had when I referred to my decision to never set foot there again. Indeed this place is truly a valley of broken vows. From those that caused the massacres that caused many of the victims to remain hostage in the canyon more than a century later, to Mary's and mine to never come back here again. The sentence for my rebounding: Almost Losing Myself

I wasn't touched or anything. Spirits have - to some degree - messed with my brain a little before, but this time it wasn't just in the form of making me more tired and irritable. This time I felt like I was occasionally starting to lose my mind, and almost starting to lose myself. I didn't exactly feel loopy or light headed, but at the same time I also DID feel kind of light headed. My sense of touch wasn't entirely there. It was almost like a partial out of body experience except I didn't ever actually feel out of my body. Not that I was aware of, or at least not in the usual sense. I felt sort of fuzzy. Not like partly numb, or only partly feeling shit, but just sort of gripping onto what my senses were definitely picking up on and transmitting to my brain. It felt like I was holding onto the certainties of those senses for - at times - dear life. I was talking to myself in my head. Telling myself things like, "no! No this is just the paranoia. Don't let it take over," and, "am I going to faint? Nope! Come on, kid. Keep walking. You're getting close (to the gate). Keep walking. You're going to make it." On the outside I seemed pretty normal, but on the inside I'd started to lose control of my thoughts and emotions. I was battling some unknown powerful force. Fighting not to lose my mind to it; not to lose myself to it. I don't know what it was, but it messed with my head. It felt almost kind of like something was - not exactly playing around with me, but also not trying to kill me - though it was definitely trying to get into my head, and trying to take over. It felt like something had fused with my brain and I could tell it wasn't me, although I was able to do that less and less as time went on. I had increasingly less control over my thoughts and emotions. The force wasn't exactly using me as a host or anything, but at the same time it still felt like it was - to some degree - using me as somewhat of a host. I felt like I was fighting not to lose myself.

I didn't make the wrong choice by going there tonight, but something tells me that after tonight, I'm not supposed to go back there anymore. Now the question is...

Will I Listen