His Girl

Ghost

He wasn't at school. Day after day, I watched the door during home room. I wasn't eating, I was gaunt and pale. I didn't look at Camila. They could jump me, I didn't care. Beat me, to death. Please. I didn't even care that they'd been right. It didn't make me feel worse, there was no worse.

I called his mom's house but there was never an answer. At school, I pulled Jake aside.

"Take me to that house again."

"No."

"But you did before."

"It's not a good idea."

"If I can just see him. Just talk to him, it'll be okay. I know it will." He'd told me before that I sounded desperate, but I didn't care what Jake thought anymore. Besides, I was desperate.

"Come on." I was stepping back and forth from one foot to another.

"Drop it." He was walking to his car, I followed.

"Just take me, please." I would force my way in if he didn't comply.

"No?"

"Why not?"

"Because, Chanel, he told me not to."

Those words kicked me in the stomach. I bent over in pain.

"Sorry, I didn't want it to come out like that."

I backed away slowly. I was hallucinating, the air particles spun around me. There was no time or space, just me sinking into black and white TV static. I didn't say another word.

One thing about being in complete darkness was that other bothersome things weren't anymore. I used to hate the bus ride, especially on the way home because it was hot. But that's only because I knew I'd feel better when the ride was over, I looked forward to getting off the bus. Now, what did it matter? I'd be equally depressed, empty and void of life whether on the bus, at home - location was inconsequential.

I spent hours in my room doing makeup assignments. I was finally caught up. I'd have passing grades in all my classes. I was reading the DMV study aids preparing for my driver's test. I had no desire to drive but at some point I'd have to grow up and get out on my own, so I'd need to drive.

I thought he'd teach me to drive when the time came. He'd taught me so many things. If I concentrated, I could still feel him all over me. I tossed and turned in bed every night.

***

Every morning, I felt pain instantly when I woke up. My first though was always, it's still there, it hasn't let up not one but. It had been three months since I'd seen him. I quit watching out my window, quit expecting him at school. But it didn't stop hurting, not at all.

I threw one leg over the bed to the floor, a thousand pound weight on my chest. Everyone at school was starting to get excited about summer. Everyone but me. Sunny days and beach goers weren't going to mix well with the personal hell I lived in. If only there was a way to cancel summer and bring back the rain.

"Chanel!" Mom called.

"There's more coffee behind the box of rice." I'd been too lazy to pull the shorter items up front when I put groceries away.

"Come here."

I assumed she was in the kitchen but she wasn't. I walked lethargically into the entryway where her voice was coming from.

"Do you know what this is? It was hanging on the door outside."

I ran outside and looked in all directions. Nothing. I grabbed the pink satin cocktail dress from her and fell to the floor.

I stared out the window every night that week. All that stunt had done was give me false hope. Stress I didn't need right before my test.