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Dear You

I have always heard that writing your feelings out in a paper always makes it easier to move on. So I decided to do just that, I opened my computer and started to write what was on my heart. Knowing I had much to say, but didn't want to waste my time.

Dear You,

This is really weird of me writing my feelings down in a paper but here it goes. There is so much things that I want to tell you based on your actions, but I don't want to harm myself with the possible results. But the one word that crosses my mind every time is why? Why are you acting this way? You were the one that decided to move on and start dating someone else.

You don't know how my mother and the twins would come up to me and ask me what's wrong with you and why are you acting the way you are like ashamed. That's their answer that you are ashamed of what you have done and can't even be the same as you were. I can't justify your answers in what you do and I only tell them to go and ask you. I don't know what goes through your mind and at this point I don't care but I know something for sure. You're not the Alexander I meet back in 2009 the one I fell in love with.

I know that people change over time and I get that completely, but for you it's a 360 change. But in my honest opinion the Alexander place before me isn't the one that melted my heart every time I saw him. Maybe one thing from the old Alexander is still there and that is the shyness when it comes to talking about your feelings. That's all I wanted. When it came to our late night talks and those car ride home, you just to open up to me. I understand that for guys it's harder to be able to talk when it comes to their feelings but I didn't want to hear it from someone else, you get it? We both knew how we felt back each other mutually and that's something that me even being in DR never went away.

Oh, how I would have wanted things to be different than what they are now, but what's done is done.. Why did you wait until I dated someone else to really tell you how you felt? That's something that always crosses my mind in thinking of our situation that's what I call it nowadays. I remember the day I went to your house with the twins when they meet up in your house and how you kept staring at me and Janine  kept pointing with her eyes lol.

There's a saying that I found that says "keep your head up. God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers". That is something that I faced this summer during camp this year and I know you know why. I ended up being Sarah's room leader, how funny is that? It sure did take me by surprise as Judy told me she would be in our room. I called it a test from God as she could have been placed in any room but she was placed in mine. At first it was difficult looking at her in the eyes knowing you were her boyfriend. I knew myself that I couldn't treat her like your girlfriend I had to look at her as just Sarah

Sincerely,

I wanted to sign it and send it off, wanting to see what he would do. But I knew he wouldn't do anything about it now, like always. I felt like a weight was lifted of my shoulders as I got out what I wanted to say for so long. Looking at the letter I felt like I wanted to say more, but it felt like it was complete. Those who knew of the situation I was going through with Alexander had kept telling me to move on, but I didn't really know how to. How can you move on from someone you have loved for five years.

I wouldn't had expected the day that I met him that I would ended up liking him and it even growing into something more, love. I wanted to say so much to his face that I didn't care getting in trouble, which wasn't like me. The only time I would see him in church on Sunday's and I needed to keep a certain behavior. I was a youth leader and when you had a title such as mine you needed to behave a certain way, as others were always observing you especially parents. But I didn't care about no titles because when it comes to feelings, it's not good to keep them in. When you keep your feelings it, it might explode on the wrong person.

Every time I saw him all I wanted was to stab him, in my mind of course. His action only made my want to do it more. Seeing the way he was currently acting was something that got me upset. He was the one that choose to get a girlfriend and act the way he was now, not talking to me. I could handle anything that came my way, humiliation and even disrespect but not what he was doing.

" Speak to him," one of the twins would always tell me every time she would see me on Sunday.

The twins Janine and Jamely had been in the middle of it all, from every talk we ever had. From the time where I so longed for to hear what his true feelings for me were, they knew about it first. That is one of the simple things I wanted, for him to be honest with me. He knew plenty of times how I felt about him, but when the question was asked to him it wouldn't be answered.

With everything going on it made me wonder if what we had was something legit, or was it something that just blew up on my mind. That insecurity started to creep over me, but I was reassured by both of the twins that it was something that was mutual and not just coming from me.

" Give him the letter," Jamely would say as she would see him looking at me.

" No " I would always saying knowing it would be a waste of my time.

" If you don't want to give it to him, then I'll bring him to you," Jamelin said and she quickly walked away to where he was sitting.

"Why on earth would she do that, " I thought to myself.

All I could do was try and cover my face as I was starting to get red of embarrassment. Why on earth would she go get him, if he wanted to speak he knew where to find me. My church was somewhat of a crowded one as you were able to hide if you didn't want to be seen. But from where he was standing, in the sound booth you were able to see everyone that walked in. I turned my head slightly to where the sound booth was and saw Jamelin speaking to him. It kind of looked like she was moderately yelling at him. I quickly looked ahead of me as I didn't want them to notice especially him that I was looking their way. As the service was coming to an end, I gather my stuff and quickly started to exit. When you're in a place for a very long time, you get to know those who attend. You would be either stopped by someone as they would ask you the same questions every Sunday, how are you, what are you up to. I don't mind when people would stop me and talk to me, but it did bother me when a certain person did.

As I turned to see who had grabbed my hand all I did was curse in my head, because it was him.

"Hey," Alexander said as he gave me one of those smiles that he gives.

The feelings that I have been holding behind lock and key suddenly exploded and what I did next was something I didn't even expect of myself. I punched him straight in the face, and as you heard the loud sound everyone turned around to see.

I knew that I would be hearing loads of it my pastors but I did I care?

Nope.