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Without Her

Closing my eyes, all I can see was my wife, my beautiful Nicole. Our wedding suddenly came to my mind as our song A Thousand Years played behind. 

" I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more."

Through every twirl, I would see her smile, and that made my heart jump a beat—that smile that can brighten up anyone's day, including mine. But as my eyes opened my reality set, my Nicole was no longer here. I wouldn't be able to hold her close to me or hear her voice telling me that everything would be alright. 

Nicole's doctors diagnosed her with cancer, and she took the news headstrong. She decided to face it head-on with everything she had, for the sake of our daughter Isabella. When we explained to our daughter that her mother was sick, she became super attached to her mother, making sure she had everything she needed. Isabella would always ask if she was okay and if she needed anything. 

When my wife started to feel weak, she began writing letters as she used to when we dated.  Most of the time, she wouldn't be at her best due to the chemo and losing her strength in her body. I even volunteered to write the letters that she so wanted to write down, but she wanted to be the one to write them. She always said that when you have something in your mind, it might not come across if someone else writes it down. 

Nicole tried her best to look sharp in front of our daughter, but when it was just us, I would see her pain. I would hear her tears at night when she would think I'm sleeping. It broke my heart, hearing her cry, and knowing I couldn't do anything to make her feel better.  She would continuously pray and say that all she wanted was to get through this hurdle and be with us. Her faith was something that drew me towards her when I first met her. Trust is something that she carries with her always, knowing that when you place your faith first, God is in control.

Isabella had decided that she wanted her party to be small and held at home since her mother wasn't feeling her best. Nicole did try her best to stay and see her daughter have fun, and Isabella made sure to include her. 

"Momma, look at this, "Isabella would often say to get her mother's attention. 

Nicole would often smile and clap for her as Isabella tried to make her laugh or showed her a new present she received. Our guest gave they're all to make her comfortable with pillows and giving her anything she needed. Nicole had a blast and laughed the entire time, and it was music to my ears, hearing her laugh. My love lasted the whole night after everyone left when she started to yawn. 

"I'll clean up in the morning," I said as I swapped her off her feet and took her to our room. 

"Amor, that's a lot to clean up," Nicole said as she placed her head on my neck.  

Her response only made me laugh because it was a lot to clean up, but my family was coming over tomorrow. I knew that I would have to wake up extra early to clean everything. 

"Did you have fun?" I asked her as I laid her down in bed and began to help her undress. 

"Yes, it was nice seeing Isabella have fun with her friends," Nicole said as she changed into her nightgown. 

I quickly undressed and helped her to the bathroom so she would brush her teeth. After we both brushed our teeth, I laid her back into bed. She rested her head on my chest as usual, and I wrapped my arms around her. 

"I love you," I whispered to her as I kissed her forehead, and she pulled her head up, looking me in the eyes. 

"Do you now," she laughed as she leaned towards me, kissing me back. 

"I'll love you until we are both old and grey and beyond that," I replied as we both started to drift off to sleep. 

Nicole had fought her hardest in trying to beat cancer, but sadly a day after our daughter's tenth birthday, she went to a be with the lord. That was the hardest thing for me, loosing my best friend. I will always remember the day I woke up to her life-less body. Waking up to her life-less body was my worst nightmare. Everything else was a blur as we had to call 911 for them to take the body, my daughter and I stood motionless as they placed Nicole's body in a gurney and took her away. I held my daughter tight to me as we both cried for our best friend carried away. 

Days later is when I found a letter addressed to me,  in front of the envelope it said Amor Mio how she would often call me. It took a lot for me to open the letter because it was the last thing I had from her. I told my mother about the message, and she suggested I opened it because she knew I would want to hear from her or imagine her voice talking to me. 

"Honey, do you want me to stay with you as you read it?" my mother asked as she rubbed my back. 

I nodded at her knowing that I would need her after. I slowly began to rip the envelope, exposing the letter. Her perfume was the first thing that sprung on me, making me take it first. 

Amor Mio, 

If you're reading this letter, it means that what we feared the most happened we won't get to grow old together. I'm so sorry for not upholding my end of the bargain; I did try my best. I know that what your feeling now will last for a long time, but remember that you tried your best, and I love you for it. You tried your best to keep me alive through your actions and your determination. Christopher, your the best husband that I could have ever asked for, and I pray that our daughter finds someone just like you.  Someone with your strength and willingness and your abundant love. Thank you for taking care of me during all of this, for making me laugh when all I wanted was to cry and give up. For taking the responsibility upon yourself for making sure I kept up with my chemo and making me feel beautiful when I didn't. For showering me with love when I didn't love myself at times. You saw the real me, and you liked what was in front of you till the end.

Promise me that you'll always have me in your thoughts and in everything you do. Teach our Isabella things that I didn't get a chance to. Keep me present in her future; I don't want her to feel left out because I'm not there to cuddle her and give her all my love. Every time you see her,  you'll see me through her.  One thing I want you to promise me is that you find someone to spend your life with after I am gone. Who will grow old with you and enjoy our grandchildren, great-grandchildren. I know now that it will be hard to think about, but you don't deserve to be alone. I hope you find that girl that will accept Isabella and you with everything that makes you, you. 

Christopher, I love you with every inch of me, and I thank God for giving me you for the time he did. 

Tu Reina, 

Nicole

I wiped my tears away as I slowly closed the letter and held it close to my heart as my mother embraced me. 

"Momma, how am I suppose to go on without her," I said to my mother as she released me and wiped the tears from my eyes.