Before I Let You Go (In memory of Cameron Boyce)

Part 13

I just want to stay curled up in bed today. I woke up this morning and all I could feel was the crushing weight of sadness. I'm tired of pretending that I'm fine. I'm not fine. My heart is still in a million pieces and I don't know how to put them together again.

I miss Cameron so much I can feel it in my bones. My world has felt dark since he's been gone. I hate that he's not here.

I miss his smile and his kind brown eyes. I miss his laugh and his lame jokes that would make me laugh because he said them. I miss his curly hair and the freckles on his face. I miss his touch and his hugs. I miss his words and catching him singing. I miss the way he saw the world and who he was in the small moments. I miss everything about him.

Living without him hasn't felt much like living at all. Sometimes I think how can I care for this human being that is growing inside me? How can I give this baby the happy mother he or she deserves? I already feel like I'm failing.

I haven't bought any baby things yet. Whenever I think about going shopping, I never end up going because I want him with me so bad and I know he can't be there. Cameron won't see his baby be born or take their first steps. He won't be there for the first day of school or the first sports game or dance recital. What I wouldn't give to have Cameron back.

How can I grieve for a man and prepare for a baby?

In one of my darkest hours I was making bargains in my head. The baby for Cameron. Of course the guilt and the tears came flooding in. I felt so fucking guilty. How could I say that I would give up my baby to have my partner back? What kind of person am I? Do I deserve this child?

Will I even love this child enough?

I'm hurting yet numb all at the same time. It's been three months since he died and my grief still feels so raw. I just want to stop feeling so broken. I miss how happy I was when Cameron was still here. I miss that Layla. I don't know where she is now.

So many people tell me that I have been the epitome of grace during this tough time. What they don't know is what goes on behind closed doors. They don't know that I cry myself to sleep most nights. They don't know about all the things I've broken. They don't know that sometimes in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, I get in my car and drive to the beach and just stand on the edge of the water and just scream.

I just want to lay in bed all day. I don't want to be part of the rest of the world today. I want to just sit in my sadness and let myself cry. I want to sit here and feel all of it. Because holding on to my sadness is as close I can get to being with Cameron again for now.

I guess sometimes its okay to give into feeling sad. Sometimes you have to feel broken and down before you can start to put yourself back together and start feeling happy again.

Only I can give my baby a happy mother and maybe I have to let myself feel sad for a while before I can do that.