Miss Muse. Batshit Crazy Superstar

Idk where to go...Yall Happy?

****FYI****
Do Not Take This Shit Seriously
It's Just Expression

I am having another "what the fuck am I doing" moment. It is when you take a look back and just take in what your life is. I am around 18yrs old in Community College. I do not know what I want my major to be or what type of job I wanna study for. I do not have any intrests. I feel hopeless in a way. Right now I am thinking of what type of part time job I want to apply for. Soon, I'll need a type of job were I can really support myself and build myself up from. Oof I am feeling hatered or just upset towards myself, I am not better. I am not doing as well as I wanted to be. I might be just stressing righ now but I just wanna feel okay and stable with my a career/job and college. My fear is getting stuck in the life I currently have and not being able to move forward. I will still be living in the Bay Area with my parents with an alright job. I wanna stay in California but where else can I go? I just wanna know how everyone else figured it out. How did they know and choose the path they did. I do not want to struggle or suffer but I will which I fear so much. I do not want to be hurt mentally or emotionally. I am so sheltered and weak. I jsut wanna know where do I start my path. What is my path? What will my life become into? Right now it is calm for my situation but soon it could not                                                   -What if I end up meeting someone and live together while we both struggle to live in silicon valley                                                                                                                             - What if I move far away to another state, in the country, by myself? In a relationship? With a family?                                                                                                                        How does one just fucking not be misrable? Should I just pick a good paying career regardless if I like it or not? Have an internship? Try and try to apply to different jobs and pray to get accepted? I need to financially stable myself and then what? Find a man? Have kids? Help maintain a household? I wanna cry but my emotions are not sad enough. HOW DO I FIGURE IT OUT?!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      -                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Right now what I need to figure out is Where I wanna apply for a part time job and what career/major I wanna have.                                                                                                    What I have always wanted or need is a mentor. I always wanted to know someone helpful and succesfull who could lend me a hand but I am alone. I have reached for help but it hasn't fully helped. Why am I even here? Why does any of this matter?  Why do I have the life that I do? Why does everythin have to be so difficult! Why do people have to be rude fucks?   AM I A JOKE? i feel like a joke, i feel lost, confused, upset, irritated, sad, I wonder if anyone cares to help me. If someone read this and would like to help? maybe i am overthinking this and just need a fucking therapist. how can i be happy? i have nothing. am i nothing? what the fuck man.                   I am going to put myself in a runaway scenerio :                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  I would need to pack clothes first and my phone/charger and would I take my car? probably. I would take my car and all the money I have and my legal documents and jewlery. tons of water and some food. now where would I go to ? Sacramento? Tracy? next ill need a place to stay a motel of some sort with the money i have and then find a job. hopefully move to an apartment and then just build myself up from their. OR find someone who has it figured out and move in with them or cling onto them for help so maybe one day Ill be like them and maintain myself. I want to be independent but how?                                                                                                                 I need a good paying job, i need money. i wanna cry because i fear i already know what my future life will look like and I am not going to like it or be happy, ill feel like a joke and hopless. I wonder if anyone out there has killed themselves because they just didn't give a fuck anymore. they were just tired of this shitty life and wanted to move on. Not necesssarly they were depressed but just fed up with their life. I hate being so needed and depended on. people need me so much and I am loved. i wish i wasn't the oldest child. the pressure to suceed is fucking shit especially coming from an migrant family. how could i ever break free with people clinging onto me?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Are you happy? Life couldn't be better? Tell me how you did it. Tell me how to suceed. Tell me how not to give up. What should I be doing?
-BE