Miss Muse. Batshit Crazy Superstar

Read If Ya Wanna - Disappointed

Nothing I have ever said or done has really fucking mattered in directing my life, I have no control
Who dictates my life then? In my perspective maybe my parents, family, school, work, friends? I make the decisions tho. I control myself.
I've been doing some shadowwork and I've come with some harsh thoughts and ideas...
No one
No Body
Likes listening to me
Only when I'm funny
Only when I'm cute and kind
Or at least thats how it feels
No One
No Body
Likes listening to anyone
So, if people listen to you and choose your authority over others, good job. I envy you. Your doing well, your important.
It's true when they said a lot of adult issues come mostly from childhood.
Traumatic Childhood Memories.
Thoese resurfaced. It has confused me. Why. Why did that happen to me. Why? Why didn't anyone stop it? I was a child.
I believe children are pure of heart and mind. It just makes sense. Children love those who love them. Explains why they are so unconditionally loving... their little brains aren't fully developed and their curiostiy and innocence leave them vulnerable.
At least thats how I see it.
I don't know where I am going with this, but stick along for the rant.
I feel like no one truely cares about me as sad as that sounds...and I mean fucking cares.
Who truely has my best intrest at heart?
Who checks on you emotionally? physically? mentally? No one. Unless you open up and show them but vulnerability is seen as weakness in this world.
My friends just want to enjoy themselves and sometimes don't care in the position your in or left in, just don't be a buzzkill
My personality doesn't fit to be the sad one because I have never opened up about it...and honestly they don't want to see it...no one does.
My family are closeminded traditional Mexicans who have sexism embedded into their macho culture.
I stopped coming around because of certain realizations and you already know they had some things to say about that.
They don't give a shit how I feel. We all have issues.
My immediate family doesn't like seeing my cry or want to talk about my traumas. I mean ew who wants to talk about scary shit that makes you feel bad?
No one sees me cry.
The one that I wanted to be with is confusing and disappointing. It's simply for the fact that they are not ready for commitment. Shit they can't even reciprocate feelings that I show them...that is just sad. I've never been so loving and affectionate with someone before and I've just been telling myself,
"He needs to heal still, soon he'll open up"
Have I mentioned that I've never been with anyone romatically before? Like at all. I'm honestly quite a prude.
He's a nice guy but I not what he's focused on, he's got too much on his plate. He does need me tho, to use me, to save him, to do what for me? Traumatize me more?
Fyi he is not my age..
People have their own intrest at heart, so should you. Put yourself first and love yourself because these folks here ain't gonna satisfy you.
Make yourself happy
I feel alone even with all the people I have involved in my life.
I've always done things with good intentions and no secret motives or agendas. I don't have any real enemys because I never had the time or effort to make any.
Lonely, low key felt like this all my life. I always craved for someone. Someone to love and love me back. Those cute romances or even an actual decent boyfriend, I wanted that. I just wanted a friend sometimes who cared for me. Someone who always wants to make me smile because I've been the happy go lucky girl for too long.
Almost 20 yrs and I feel like I'm always being told what to do.
As a 1st generation Mexican-American daughter who also happens to be the oldest...the pressure is on. I've got younger heads living with me and honestly I've been the best example. I've helped raised my siblings all my life and I cook and clean but recently I just don't want that to be my life anymore.
My parents work and do their own thing as a stay home with the kids as always which sucked at times because I was always hindered or had to put others intrest ahead of my own and I kinda just wanna be a free 19yr old who doesn't have to worry about kids who are not hers and doesn't need to check the time to go home because there wont be anyone to argue with in the night. I always make it home safe and alive but sometimes scared. Right now I'm just at home feeling disappointed at everyone, everything, in myself, I just want people to know one day why I have so much resentment inside of me.