I've done it.
I've killed a man.
Not just my father, the man lying cold on the ground, no. Not the man who came before me.
I've also killed the man I was going to become.
I've had enough of this. There's too much... thoughts.
There.
I've killed the thoughts. Now I can talk to YOU. Or MYSELF. Whichever name you prefer. Anyways, you must be pretty confused about me, even if you are me. Have I talked to you in a while... or talked to me in a while? You're confused. And I'm crazy. Or I'm both.
ENOUGH.
More thoughts I had to kill. Let's start over.
You see, my father has never been there. Always buried himself in his work. Rarely saw him ever. Always working, even on vacation. Just seemed like he didn't want me. Or want to connect to me, at least.
And now? The past year? He's got a new job closer to home and spends more time home anyway. And I guess he's been trying to reconnect, but he can't. And I can't let him.
He may have been my father, but he's not my father now. I have no father. I have no direction. I'm... just me.
My mother? She's been home. But she's not... here. She does the work. But like my father... she can't connect.
Or I can't connect with them. Who knows.
But that would have been okay until my vision went to shit.
I have a visual impairment. I'm not blind but doesn't mean I can see that great either. Found out about it two years ago. And that was the year when my mind flipped upside down while the world stayed the same.
I've... been lonelier as of late. I remember to used to have lots of friends, and I might have had a good sense of humor? But now I'm just weird. People feel sorry for me now. It's the kid who's almost blind.
Whatever. I never wanted people to feel sorry for me. I just wanted to be me. And now I'm not.
What am I now?
I am confusion. I don't know where I'm going. I am envy. Everyone else has it so easy. I am distant. No one can reach me and I can't reach them. I am anger. Because none of this is my fault while everything is my fault.
I am emotions. And emotions are what led me to kill a man. And now, run.
I dropped the gun. I stepped into my shoes. And I started running in a direction.
Down the road. Past some buildings. Past some trees. On the pavement. On the grass, on the gravel, on the dirt. Trailing blood. Trailing regret. Trailing guilt. Trailing everything I left behind and everything I don't need anymore. Trailing broken shards of glass, broken relationships, a broken home, a broken heart.
A broken heart of a man now held inside the body of a boy. The body of a boy who doesn't exist, because he is a lie.
I am a lie. You are a lie.
Everyone I knew believed my lie. The way I acted, the way I thought, the way I looked, felt and existed was a lie. Everything about me was a lie so no one knew the truth. Even I didn't know the truth.
I am just a man who killed another man. Yet that again is a lie buried under more lies until you don't believe anything anymore.
And now you're at the bottom, where the dead bodies of all your thoughts, hopes, and dreams lie. Because you've killed your past and your future. Because you've killed everything you know and love. Because you've killed yourself. And now, you stand here before diving into a lake of blood.
And at the bottom, there lies a boy.
He is a blind boy who is asked to be a guide dog. He is trying to fix the world around him when he himself is broken. He finds companionship but still finds himself lonely. Because he's confused. I'm confused. You're confused.
He is just one man, stumbling alone in the dark.
I stop running as I watch the sunset around me, the embrace of darkness enveloping me.
And for once in my life, even though I'm all alone, I don't feel lonely.
Because I am nothing.
I don't exist. If I don't exist, how can I feel anything?
I can't.
But that's enough from me.
