Hey Jay

The first and possibly only letter

Hey Jay

Its been a while since we last spoke, i'm not really sure what to say.

If i'm honest, which may seems strange since its me but the truth is i miss not talking to you. I miss not seeing you, whether or not it was everyday. I miss hearing your voice, making you laugh, making you smile. On some days your smile would be the only thing that made the day worth dealing with. 

That was a long time ago from right now

The hopeless feelings stayed but your smile disappeared, you along with it. 

I'm not sure what i'd do if i saw your face again since its been so long. I'm not sure if i would be happy, welcoming  you with open arms or turn and walk away with tears threatening to spill from my eyes. Thinking of you and how we treated each other still has that effect on me sometimes.

Id like to think that I've started moving on little by little. still having these feelings is something i'm ashamed of considering the way we last spoke and how you must feel about me now. 

Apart of me wishes i could of told you how i felt in a more healthier way than what i expressed, sometimes my mind just fusses and i don't know how to control myself or how to cope with these fast thoughts that make it impossible for people to stay friends with me. You aren't the first person that's left, i just wasn't expecting how much damaged you'd leave behind when you did. I can't hate you for unrequited love, what i do hate is being strung along. I was left broken and you had an easy escape. I think its fair to say we both messed up. 

 I'd like to say I've changed and that i am in control but that isn't the case, i'm afraid it never will be the case for someone like me. 

As i write this i can picture you in my head, all the memories we shared. It doesn't hurt and i don't feel angry. I think that's a good sign,  you will always be there like a deep scar that won't fade and maybe you never will however that's okay. I'm happy i got the chance to meet you, that i will always remember you. 

The only regret i have is that i'm too much of a coward to talk to you again. we're both different in some ways or another, after a year apart of course its inevitable. 

The reason i'm writing this is because a man that loved me but i never got to know died last month, on top of that one of the closest friends I've ever had died 2 weeks after. It made me think long and hard about the people, the connections in my life.

I hadn't seen this man for several years, my godfather, i wished i had seen him at least once. know i'll never know what kind of man he was. 

The last thing i said to my friend was on the phone, i was on holiday and still a bit annoyed after an argument we'd had the week before so i didn't feel like speaking. I just told her to text me when i got back, but she never did. I was surprised not to hear from her on my birthday i thought maybe she'd forgot which i could understand. A few days later i found out she had died on the 27th of July and that's why i hadn't heard from her. 

I'm not sure what i would of said if i'd known that the conversation i had would be the last.

By this point i'm pretty sure I've repeated the praise "not sure" plenty of times, that's all i'm really feeling, i'm not sure how i'm feeling.

All i know is i miss you and I've wanted to tell you that all year, after current events i'm fearful that ill never get the chance to tell you again. You can be over someone and still miss them, It would be stupid to deny that i don't still care for you.

The point of writing this wasn't to make you feel bad that isn't what i want, i don't even know if you will ever read this since this little speech of text isn't something i could see you searching for and successfully finding. like i said i'm a coward. So I've wrote this to you (if you even know who you are) with no expectation that one day you'll read it since the chances you will are incredibly low. 

I just needed to get my thoughts out and have them exist.

So that there could be the possibility that you could find it one day. If that makes sense.

I have a lot more to say but as for tonight l'll leave it as this. I'm trying to be more honest and open about things i feel, i'm worried if i don't then ill lose the ability to care like I've done in the past and never get it back this time.

I hope you're okay, truly 

your bad friend x

A/N: Hey i'm not sure if anyone will read this but if you did i'll happily write more stuff. i think it'll be good to let it out. ask me anything i promise not to lie to anyone