It was me all along ~ Jacklyn

Chapter 22

POV Brook

I'm digging around in the fridge when I hears footsteps padding into the kitchen behind me. "Hey mate," Andy says when I look over my shoulder. "Morning Fovvs," I say, giving a small smile. "Listen, I'm really sorry about last night. I was a complete arse. I should have just kept my mouth shut," he says. "Honesty like- literally thank god for you Brook, because clearly I don't know how to help Jack. You've managed to get him to eat three full meals, and all I've managed to do was hurt him more," he adds and I shakes my head.

"I'm honestly just as out of my depth with this as you are, man. But I know you just love him, and I know how you feel. It's frustrating, this whole situation is shitty," I say. "I'm just so angry. I'm so mad at myself for not noticing," Andy swallows thickly.

"And what terrifies me the most is.....like- fuck Brook what if you'd never come along? What if you two never got together, or Jack never got his kit off with you. What if we had never noticed, and one day Jack's heart just stopped, and we didn't fucking know why, until the paramedics cut off his clothes, and he was nothing but bones. I can't- I'll never fucking forgive myself for failing him like that. I'm supposed to keep him safe. I swore I'd keep him safe." 

Andy's voice is shaking by the time he's finished, and I know how that feels. I know what it's like to play every 'what if' scenario over in your head and add guilt to your heap, with each way you've failed. I know what it feels like to realize you've made a mistake with someone else's life, just by not being observant enough. I reaches out and pulls Andy into a hug. Andy squeezes me tightly, and buries his face in my chest, breathing in shakily. 

"You can't think about that, mate. At least now we know. You just have to remember how hard this is for Jack right now. He feels like he's losing control, and he's going to lash out and we can't- we need to be the calm ones. We need to show him that it's going to be okay," I tries to explain, "because if we push Jack too hard and he just says 'fuck it I'm not eating at all' then what are we going to do? Force him into the hospital and have him hate us? Watch him shrivel up and die? Just think about how little he was eating before; anything he eats now is progress." 

Andy sniffles and nods, "okay," he says, "okay."  "Okay," I agree.

It's quiet for a while before Andy speaks, "you know Brooky, I've never seen Jacky look at anyone the way he looks at you," he says quietly, "that's how I knew right away that you were good for him. Because he'd seemed so numb for so long, but his eyes always lit up when he talked about you, even when he didn't let it show on his face. And then we met you, and I saw the way you looked at him, and I never questioned it after that." 

I let Andy's words wash over me and I feels my heart clench, "I love him so much," I say softly. 

"I know you do. And I know he hasn't said it back, but you've gotta know that he cares about you so much, Brook. It scares him how much he cares. He's never even come close to feeling like this about somebody before, he's never let himself before. The fact that he's putting himself out there like that, for you, is worth so much more than three words," Andy tells him earnestly. 

I nod, swallowing hard past the emotion in his throat, "I don't need him to say it. I'm just glad he lets me stick around," I say honestly. Andy nods, "I'm glad he does too," he says, "Now I need to go apologize." 

I nod, hoping Jack will be okay with that. I've seen Jack and Andy bicker before, but never really fight. I don't know if I should tell Andy to give him some space still; I saw in Jack's eyes how hurt he was last night. Andy gives me a last squeeze, and then pads down the hall, knocking lightly on Jack's door. 

I busy myself at the stove making eggs, but I listen to make sure their voices stay soft. I know Andy and Jack are families, and I knows I should stay out of it, but I don't want them yelling at each other. Not long after, I hear Mikey and Harvey's door open down the hall, and they slip into Jack's bedroom too.