This I Believe

Keep Aiming

I believe that everything that has ever happened to me has happened for a reason. Right now, being sixteen, I can say with confidence that I have no idea what that reason is, but I have faith that I will discover that reason soon enough.

 

I grew up in a world of child abuse disguised as loving discipline. When most people think about child abuse, they think of parents whipping their children, making them live in their feces, alcoholic parents...but child abuse can be found in seemingly normal families. We go to church every sunday, we eat dinner as a family almost every night, we go out to the movies and on vacation. If you didn’t know us, you would think that we have it pretty darn good. Maybe this is why social services wasn’t able to change anything. Because everything seemed okay.

 

I definitely got the “worst” of it, which actually I am grateful for. I would rather it happen to me than to my younger siblings. And by it, I mean a lot of things. Getting spanked repeatedly--as many times as I was old, knocked unconscious from being thrust into the wall, being told that I am not and never will be the favorite child. But I would do it all over again if that meant sparing my siblings from being damaged in the way I have.

 

My sophomore year was when I finally was able to realize what I had lived through wasn’t “tough-love” but abuse. I started self-harming in an attempt to make the emotional pain more bearable. In reality it just made me hate my own skin, which to this day is still covered in faded scars. I guess you could say that I was confused and hurt--why did this happen to me? Why does my dad suddenly have an interest, after all these years, in being my father? I started seeing a therapist in January 2014, which has helped immensely. I am so grateful for how understanding and patient she has been with helping me.

 

I suffer from PTSD and frequent flashbacks and panic attacks. It sucks to say the least. But I am learning that none of this was my fault, and that it does no good to stay bitter about my past. Even though it’s impossibly hard, I am starting to forgive my parents and realizing that even though it was very wrong what happened to me...that they are still human and deserving of forgiveness. Right now I’m preparing for college and I’m hoping to major in Psychology so that I can help other people/children who have been through what I’ve been through.

Child abuse is by no means acceptable. But it happened to me, and I’ve come to accept it as a part of my past. As a quote that I read once said, “An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it’s going to launch you into something great. So just focus, and keep aiming.”