The Story of Us

I. How do I love thee

"I've never been jealous before I met you, it burns, luv. Like silver through my veins." ― Jeaniene Frost, At Grave's End

I have no idea when I begun the sad habit of obsessively waiting for my phone's ping time and again, counting down the minutes since I last received a message from him.

Before he wormed himself into my affection, my phone was just a tool I needed to communicate, tell the date and time, sometimes to pass time browsing thru pictures of cute, furry animals ---but never like this ---never like a lifeline that I could barely cling to in order to eke out reasurrance of his continued devotion.

We have been dating for almost a year this coming Saturday, but I still have moments of insecurities...lots of em. Asshole Boss Pha said that I was just being dramatic as always and that Mingkwan worships the ground I walk on ---but have you seen my boyfriend? Then, can you honestly say that I have nothing to worry about?

His natural joie de vivre attracts both males and females...they see someone who' s not only attractive looking but also has matching charisma to boot. Unlike coldly gorgeous Phana, Mingkwan's warmth naturally welcomes people to talk to him, to touch him to bask in his natural goodness. So am I paranoid, I think better call it realistic.

When we first got together I asked him several times if he's really serious...if he knows what he's getting into. I had to ask him several times, almostbsounding like a broken record ---because there was a big part of me that was, and if I'm honest, still is, unable to believe that he would pick me from what it seems to me hundreds who are more than willing to call Mingkwan theirs.

I want to be better...I want to be more open to him about my feelings. Yet, eventhough I love him so damn much, I still cannot let myself be fully vulnerable. Something in me seems to freeze whenever I try to initiate things - intimate conversations, loving gestures...and yes, even sexual desire. It certainly isn't him who is the problem ---he has been very patient and very vocal of what he feels about me about our relationship, and heaven knows I appreciate his candidness. How I wish I could match his fervor and I curse myself for not having the courage to do so.

Everytime we kiss, everytime he draws me into his warm embrace, engulfing my body with his bigger frame, cradling me tenderly as if afraid of causing me even the slightest of pain ---he always initiates the intimacy. I always respond as fervently as I could...I become putty in his hands but never had I reached out first, touched first.

So weeks after some serious soul-searching and a lot of unexplained bouts of irritability which made Mingkwan scratched his head in confusion, I decided to do something about my problem ---and stop being a wuss once and for all.

I need to be more proactive or I will eventually lose him. I cannot let him do all the heavy-lifting in this relationship. I am resolved that, after a year of letting him make all the first moves, after a year of being the goody-two-shoes in this relationship, I will seduce my boyfriend.

Now, how the fuck do I do this?