A World Apart

Chapter Six

Chapter Six

Logan

My brain seems to skip a beat.

It takes several moments for me to process what's been said, a time during which neither of us look at the other. Her eyes, green and ablaze with pain lock themselves on the ground whilst mine linger on the body in the trees. Even once the words are seared into my brain, I'm the reason Rocket is dead, there's no shock or hate accompanying them.

"You . . ." I say finally, still struggling to comprehend the statement. "Killed her?"

Stella actually flinches. "In a way," she mumbles.

I'm looking at her now, appraising this girl I've come to know and care for. This admission should be stunning, yet still, no lashing whip of emotion strikes me. Do I not believe her? She's certainly capable of it. But what could she have done? Thrown Rocket to the infected? Offered her to the bandits? Pushed her down a flight of stairs just for the hell of it?

"Explain," I say, harsher than intended. The word comes with a bite of accusation that has her flinching again.

It takes her a long moment to compose herself enough to speak, and I wonder what could be going on in her mind during this time. Is she working up the courage to tell the truth? Or is she fabricating a lie that will make her sound less monstrous?

"I . . . we we're being chased by the infected, when Rocket fell and hurt her ankle," Stella says, her brow furrowing as she recalls the memory. "It was enough to make her lag behind, until they caught up and they . . . they got her."

It's my brow that creases this time. "How is that your fault?"

"Because she was stretching her hand towards me and . . . and there was a second where I could have reached back and pulled her away from them . . . but I didn't. I just kept running."

I'm shaking my head before she's even finished. "Stella that's still not your fault."

She finally lifts her gaze from the ground, only to scowl at me. "Were you not listening? I could have saved her! She might be alive right now if I had just taken her hand!"

"Or you might have died with her!" I say back.

She throws her hands out at her sides. "Well shit, I'm sorry my guilt isn't as justified as yours, Logan!"

Ha! She's got me there. How hypocritical of me to defend her role in Rocket's death while boasting my own. She's certainly got a greater claim for it than I do. So where does that leave us then? Either we're both responsible or neither of us are.

"Look, my point is: I could have saved Rocket, but I didn't. So you can take her name off your checklist of things to feel guilty about, OK?" Stella says.

I'm not worried that she's being untruthful about what happened. I've managed to call her out on lies before, and am well versed in her mannerisms by now to know when she is being genuine. But I am hesitant to believe that she actually feels accountable for her death.

"Do you really feel responsible for what happened to her?" I ask.

Stella shrugs. "How else am I meant to feel?"

Innocent, I think. But I don't say this, because I know from experience that it will do nothing to console her. What string of words can I pull together that will? I hardly need to think long before a piece of advice that's been buried away and hidden in the depths of my subconscious resurfaces. A consolation that she gave to me, a lifetime ago, in a dingy bar cellar where I was crying about a daughter I couldn't save. The words are leaving my lips as I remember them.