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Chapter 9: A messy affair

13th Oct, 2019

"Verily man is in loss, except such as have faith, and do righteous deeds, and join together in the mutual enjoining of truth, and of patience and constancy." 

(103:2-3)

Chapter 9:

A messy affair

Is it normal to be tired all the time, absolutely done with life?

Rufaida was a smart, ambitious 22-year-old lady about to graduate with a degree in Nutrition the same year, but time and again, she felt the weight of the world on her shoulders pulling her down. The routine of life choked her to the extent that there were days when she would spend hours on the terrace, eyes gazing at the birds, asking herself if she was even destined to be free, liberated from this baggage that only got heavier.

To the world, including her mum, she came off as one of the most sorted people, who knew exactly what she wanted. And while that was partly true, this monotonous life was getting to her. Maybe it was something to do with the fact that this was her last semester in college and she was under pressure to ensure she maintained consistency in terms of results, or maybe it just came down to her being tired, tired of everything.

She sometimes wondered what it would be like if her father was a good man and was around, but as soon as the seed of the thought began to plant itself in the soil of her mind, she uprooted it. The man who was the reason for her to come into this world was never her father, and she believed it would be an insult to her mother and all her hard work to even, for the slightest moment, think of their world together along with that man who was too wicked to be a part of it.

And so, like all times, as Rufaida tried to close that chapter nonchalantly, she would never admit the heaviness that only delved deeper in her. It was one thing to feel remorseful over a dead dad, and yet something entirely different to know that your biological father was alive and in the same city, but couldn't care less about you and your existence.

She sighed at the thought, thinking back to numerous people she knew who were fortunate enough to receive the love of both their parents and some privileged to even have siblings. If she could, she would go around the world shaking these people up from their sorrows, so they could look at the blessings they were missing out on, the miracles they possessed that Rufaida could never own even if she went begging for it.

Some people had the liberty to take risks with their life knowing they had a family to fall back on, there were students who didn't have to fill every line and every gap in their notebooks in order to save on their mum's money for she was the only earning member in the family. Some families went on vacations together even if it was for a few days, and there were people who could afford to go shopping every time they felt like, not having to wait for the sales and discounts to purchase their year's supply of a few clothes.

And then there was Rufaida – her thoughts coming off as focused, driven, strong-minded and resolute to the world, yet disturbed, scattered, gloomy and tangled in her mind. She was so much more than what met the eye, to the extent that her friends, people closest to her for five years now, didn't know her completely yet. Her boundaries were so thick, walls so high, no one was permitted entry here, this was a world she lived in all alone, unwilling to share the space with anyone.

"You know what the problem is?"

At the question, Rufaida momentarily let go of her thoughts and turned to her friend. She had almost lost track of time and her surroundings.