True Nature

8

Josh knew about me. Or at least he harboured the same suspicions about my 'differences' as I did. He was the first, and only, person I confided in about the strange feelings I began to have immediately after shifting for the first time at 14. Being half a year older, he had already experienced the shift and so, when it was my turn, he was there helping to guide and reassure me, playing the big brother role proudly. Despite this however, the first few days following my first shift were an unexpected whirlwind of confusion and stress.

It didn't take long for me to realise that the changes I was experiencing, weren't normal. Right from the start, I lacked the instincts my fellow pack members seemed to have, and even the process of the change itself, had been completely different to the ordeal Josh had warned me about beforehand. The changes I underwent were something I had never heard the pack speak of before, and I was entirely unprepared for and, at first, incapable of dealing with the influx of pack member's emotions inside my head. The complete lack of privacy was disorientating and, frankly, uncomfortable. Especially for a young teenager already battling hormonal changes and prone to mood swings.

I had mentioned my concerns a few times to my aunt and to a few of the other elders, phrasing it in such a way as to make it seem like I was simply asking out of curiosity. I desperately needed advice on how to cope with being my new self but, although they were sympathetic, no matter how hard I tried to explain the reality of my situation, no-one seemed to know what I meant. It was only a few months later, that I discovered the reason why it was impossible for them to understand. The first time I, unknowingly and naively, asked Josh how he handled being around the pack, he looked at me puzzled, his forehead creased in confusion. "Do you mean because of the instinct to submit to other wolves?" He asked haltingly.

I glanced at him a little startled. "What does that feel like?" The question hesitantly slid from my lips.

"Well..." he started, now looking a bit perplexed. "At first, it feels a little suffocating and strange I suppose, but you quickly get used it. The urge becomes almost comforting and natural after a while. As if you're simply reaffirming your place and right of belonging within the pack." he nodded slightly, his eyes warm. Meanwhile, 14-year-old me had tried not to let the panic bubbling up inside of her flood out at this revelation. I had never told him the extent of my abilities or how disconnected I sometimes felt from the rest of the pack and, after the first few weeks of blank stares and raised eyebrows whenever I briefly broached the topic, I finally gave up and stopped mentioning it. Josh, I knew, couldn't help because he didn't have a clue what I was talking about.

He caught me though, one late afternoon sitting in the sofa-seat by the window in the pack library, head buried in a book. Creeping up behind me, he whisked the heavy hardback I was reading out of my hands, making me jump in fright. "Surprise!!" he laughed as I whirled round to face him, face a shade too pale and mouth gaping wide in shock. His smile had slowly died as he took in my anxious expression, before he leaned a shoulder against the wall and smirked again. "Reading something you shouldn't be Ivy? What have I told you about those adult books of yours?" he playfully wiggled his finger at me as he looked down at the book he now held in his hands. He stared down at the page I had been reading for a second in bemusement, before glancing up at me questioningly. "Why are you reading about omegas?"

"I..." Words failing me, I began twisting my fingers, a nervous habit I've had since I was young. I deeply regretted my decision to come to the library after picking up that book. Questions had kept accumulating inside of me since I first shifted 5 months ago until I could no longer stand the not knowing. Months having passed, I finally learned to control and subdue the flow of emotional input from my pack members a bit better, the foreign feelings no longer interfering with or affecting my own state of wellbeing. I had learnt to avoid the pack house when it was busy in the evenings and, since I had school, this meant I now visited only occasionally on weekends. It also meant I missed our luna terribly.