I i m p l o r e You, Live

Shower Tiles

When I was 15
There was this moment
When I truly wanted to die

The warm shower water
Was trickling down my back
My shampoo was inches from my fingertips
But I didn't have the energy to
Even wash my hair
I couldn't wash my hair
I couldn't get out of the shower
I couldn't put the energy into getting dressed
So I stood there
Water rushing down my back
Gaze fixed on the dirty shower tiles
And in that moment
All I could think was

"If I slammed my head into the wall
If I hit the tiles really hard
Maybe I won't wake up.
Maybe I won't wake up
And I'll be free."

I genuinely thought that slamming my head
Against the wall until I wouldn't wake up
Was a better option
Than remaining trapped in the life I was living

And you know what?
I didn't
I didn't slam my head into the tile
Not because I didn't want to
But because I was afraid of
How much it would cost
My father to replace the tiles
I didn't
Because I was afraid of one of
My little brothers finding me
Dead and naked
The next morning
I couldn't do that to them
I didn't
Because if I woke up
I couldn't bear facing my mother
From a hospital bed

I didn't hurt myself
I didn't end it
Not because I wanted to keep on going
But because my subconscious
Reminded me that I had people
Who I still needed to love
My mother,
My father,
My little brothers.

At the time I thought I had to keep going
Because I couldn't bear to cause them
Inconvenience or pain
But looking back
I had to keep going
Because my family means everything to me

If I had slammed my head into the wall
I wouldn't have been able to
Dance around the Christmas tree
Screaming vines and memes
With my youngest brother

If I had slammed my head
I wouldn't have been
Able to give my middle brother
Advice about girls
I wouldn't have been there to watch him
Have his first crush
His first almost girlfriend
His first breakup
I wouldn't have been there for him
I wouldn't have been there to
Laugh and to cry
With him
At 12am

If I had smashed my head
I wouldn't have learned the importance
Of apologizing to my mother
My sweet mother
Who works so hard
To serve me
Who spends so much time
Loving me
I would never have learned to apologize
To her
When I act foolishly

If I had smashed my head
I would've never gone to country concerts,
Comic-cons, and rodeos with my dad
I would've missed out on all the late night
Driving sessions we've had
We wouldn't have jammed to old school music
At 1am
While driving down I-45

If I had smashed my head
Against the shower wall
If I had acted on the dark
And painful thoughts
I had in the shower
At 15 years old
I would not be where I am now
I would never had fallen in love with my family
I would have missed out on so much love
So much amazing life

It has only been 2 years
Since I was 15 years old
And yet
I have already lived my life
Ten times over
I have loved
I have been loved
And I have fallen in love with life
In the past two years
All because
I didn't smash my head into the shower wall
And I will forever be thankful that I didn't

So please
I implore you
If you are thinking
About smashing your head
Or about hurting yourself
Or about ending your life
So that the pain will stop
Please
Listen to me
The pain will stop
Because you will recover
Please don't smash your head
Please don't hurt yourself
Please don't end it
I implore you
Because life gets better
You are loved
You still have love to give
And you will fall in love with life