DEEP

6. Bother

Today is the first real sunny day since I've been here. Seattle smiles at me with an unusual warmth, giving a delightful feeling of spring as a gentle breeze makes the leaves dance on the tree branches. I find myself staring at them, completely dazed, as I slowly dry the ceramic cups with a soft cotton cloth.

For the past five days my mind has been brooding. Clouded and constantly grinding thoughts, twisted together in the background of my mind. Even doing the things here at work seem difficult, the same things I do on autopilot every day, with my mind constantly plagued.

Stone and the guys were out of town for most of the week, so I've unfortunately had a lot, probably too much time to think and ramble with my mind, all alone with work as the only distraction.

Ever since the night Eddie and I talked, my mind persistently kept going back to that moment. Feeding a certain frightening awareness of something I just don't want to admit, writhing on itself without finding rest. The ridiculous attempt to ignore my thoughts, to divert them from returning to what I felt when he looked at me like that, is starting to seem pathetic to me, too.

Despite my best efforts to pretend otherwise, the harsh truth is that I can't stop thinking about him. About his eyes, blue as the clearest ocean. About his lips and the sweet features of his face. About our hands, touching so gently.

I shake my head in denial. These thoughts make me feel so uncomfortable and absolutely illegitimate to have them, even guilty someway. We barely know each other, I'm not even sure if he likes me or not and, more importantly, he has a girlfriend. I can't allow myself to have such thoughts about him.

But my heart and my mind are in the ring, beating the shit out of each other.

"Knock it off." I whisper to myself, in a moment of optimistic clarity that will certainly last a breath.

The ringing of the doorbell suddenly brings me back, causing me to look at the girl who is entering the diner like my lifeline, just to shut my brain off for a while. She looks around a bit disoriented, straightening her shirt before sitting at a table. Moving a strand of red hair behind the ear in a shy, slight gesture, she takes the menu and looks at it with vague attention.

I approach her, cordially smiling with a carafe filled with some fresh made coffee in my hand.

"Hello, welcome to Meg's. You want some coffee while you decide?"

The girl turns to me a little confused, as if she had just woken up from a long, deep sleep.

"Yes, I'd like some coffee. Thanks."

Her big dark eyes are pointing into mine, but they're not really looking at me. Surrounded by two gray circles, they look heavy.

"Are you ok?" I spontaneously ask, a bit hesitant. Maybe I've been a bit bold, hope I was not annoyingly intrusive.

"Yeah," she nods "I just haven't slept much since I moved here. Dealing with big life changes is exhausting."

The pale skin highlights the many freckles on her face and I'm hit by a wave of blatant melancholy. I feel like I'm talking to the younger version of me.

"I too know something about it.", I smirk. "You know, it gets better."

She gently blows on the hot drink and then takes a sip, keeping her eyes fixed on the bottom of the cup.

"I hope so." she tiredly smiles. "I'm still trying to get used to having to face all this alone, you know."

I immediately empathize with her. The sad smile on her face makes me sigh slightly and it's impossible for me to ignore the feeling of warmth I have in my heart thinking about how lucky I was. Meeting Stone and his persistence was the best thing that could happen to me.