Secret Note

It's Annoying

Quiet and focused. My eyes naturally stray to his back, hoping for him to turn for a moment to see that I am aching for his attention. 

Winter sits in the front row of the class, always had. He likes listening to the lessons no matter how boring it was. No deep words from Shakespeare's plays can make his attention stray, he tries hard to solve an equation even if it ends up making him so confused he'd grimace. He's just that amazing. Sometimes I hope I have the same dedication as him, perhaps we'll have something to talk to about or just an assignment we can exchange our ideas on. Really, just one small thing that can bring us one step closer to each other.

"Green." Damn. Please don't look back. "May I ask your opinion on this line?"

"Um, yes?" Would it have been better if it used to be like before where no matter how much I get embarrassed in class, he never really notices it; that time when my name was called, it's like he's stuck on his own world not minding the commotion that's about to happen?

Ms. Johnson roll her eyes practically screaming at my pride what an idiot of a student I am. I steal a glance at Winter and indeed he's looking at me. Look here.  He mouths to me then points at his book. "Carver Green."

"Y-yes."

"Your opinion?"

I look at my book and take a chance at the page Winter's pointing to me. I loved Ophelia. Forty thousand brothers could not, with all their quantity of love, make up my sum. What? I didn't know we were reading Hamlet. This an insult to my feelings. "Hamlet loves Ophelia so much, he thinks his love can't measure to anybody else's even when added together?"

"I didn't ask you to transpose it, I'm asking for your opinion, Carver."

"Oh."

"So?"

I take a deep breath, determined not to make a fool of myself any more than this. "I think it's brave for him to say that. There are thousand people admiring Ophelia but he believes in his love for her and is brave enough to say so. It's admirable."

She finally gives a small smile obviously contented with my answer. "Isn't it egotistic for him to say that? As you said, there are thousands admirer. How can he be so sure he surpasses them all?"

"It is, indeed. It is egotistic and he might not really surpass them all but what's important is how strongly he feels for her, is it not? What's a thousand love from others when what truly matters is how much you believe in your own?"

I'm being specially personal about this subject but I don't think anyone really notices besides the two people in the class who have read my note. I don't dare look at them nor at Winter. I was afraid he can read it in my eyes how much I long for him. Damn Literature class for hitting right where it hurts. It's annoying how a simple line form an old writing affect my young, hopeful heart.

Ms. Johnson seemed satisfied with my answer and pride swells up inside me. I feel like I just got to show off my good side to Winter even just a little bit. "Good job Mr. Green, for expressing your opinion well." I beam at her. "But next time, please do listen to the lesson and you'll realise we've passed that line already, last week."

Oh.

I dare not peek at Winter.

"I pointed at the page after that." How we ended up walking together to the next class is beyond me. "You did well in expressing your opinion. Ms. Johnson should've just let it pass." Yeah so I can save myself from the embarrassment. "Oh, my classroom is here."

"Ok."

"See you later, Carver."

I nod. 

Someone please tell me I'm not dreaming.