better off | lucifer

Smoke Signals

No running away anymore. No trying to avoid your friends and Lucifer, no ignoring the symptoms of the disease, no. You were done with all these. The decision had been made and even though you knew it would cost a lot, you realized that this way, both you and Lucifer would be okay. Not as you used to, but okay.

Your decision wouldn't affect him at all. At least physically. It was not him that was gonna change, after all, it was you. You were aware that going back to what you had would never be possible once you had the surgery. And even though just the thought of it hurt you deeply now, you knew it wouldn't after the procedure. You would finally be okay.

You wouldn't feel your heart racing whenever he was close to you, you wouldn't wanna cry every time you saw him and Chloe being close and laughing at things you could never understand. You wouldn't wish it was you he looked at with so much adoration. Everything would stop. Since you didn't manage to do it yourself, the doctors would.

Then Lucifer could do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted because you just wouldn't care. You wouldn't be able to care. You weren't sure of Lucifer's reaction to all that, to your eventual change. And even though, yes, it was none of his business, whether you would go through the procedure or not, you still cared. Cared for what he'd think of you afterward.

Would he be disappointed? Sad? Or simply happy because he never wanted to do anything with you in the first place?

You wanted to tell him, but how could you? You never managed to tell him how you truly felt because you were afraid of ruining your friendship. Time went by and your feelings were bottled up and sealed in the depths of your heart. You believe you had it under control, you had to work on yourself to make sure you didn't screw up your relationship with Lucifer. And you focusing on your job and less on him seemed to work until tulips started bursting out.

And those damn tulips were the reason everything got ruined and the plan of doing the surgery without anyone but Maze knowing went straight downhill.

"Tell me what's going on, and don't you dare lie to me again!"

Ella had seen you vomiting in the bathroom just a few minutes ago. Hearing weird noises, she thought someone was choking, so without thinking about it too much, she burst in, only to see you pulling a green branch out of your mouth, blood on your shirt and a bunch of red petals on the sink.

No matter how hard you tried to make her lower his voice, you failed miserably. She was furious. Furious and disappointed because after working together for so long, she thought you trusted her enough to tell her everything. And you did, you did trust Ella, she was an amazing and supportive friend. All you wanted was not to get everyone else involved. This had to do with you and you only.

After you managed to catch your breath or whatever had remained from your breath - your lungs were struggling to provide you with oxygen at that point - you grabbed her shoulders and shook her in an attempt to calm her down.

"Can you, please, stop shouting? I- I'll explain, just please..." You begged, worry evident in your eyes.

Ella nodded as she removed your hands from her. She let out a sigh, nodding again. She was ready.

"Okay, alright. Tell me then..."

You rubbed your forehead, in hopes of the dizziness fading away but instead, it came back worse. You didn't have much time left, your body had started sending emergency signals. Your appointment was in a few hours, you silently prayed to stay alive until then.

"Listen, I don't know how to explain this-"

"With words." She interrupted you, her voice cold and harsh. You hated seeing her like this. But she had to understand the reasons why you hid your situation from her.