the Ramblings of a Girl with a Pen

If Today

If today I pass away...

we always see things like this

social media is flooded with them

being passed around like a meme of Judge Joe Brown

by people who are hurting

but will turn around and say

FUCK YOU

because the person they portray would never go down

like that

because even the smallest show of weakness is whack

ain't you a man?

and you, don't you got a good husband or boyfriend?

didn't you just post that new car?

Yeah!

to show off for y'all

that shit ain't what it seems

I ain't out here livin no fuckin dream

when I pull that camera away from my face

get done showing all you muthafuckas I'm winning this race

the people who surround me stand off on the sidelines

not giving enough fucks to acknowledge that I'm tryna be

somebody...

but when they do decide

"oh now it's time to provide"

the only thing they offer is a steaming pile of negative shit

while Barbara from Arkansas who I've never met

congratulated me

fed me praise like all the other, what do you call them?

Nobody's?

but that's me too, right?

cause you can't see what I achieved, right?

cause I ain't bought you shit, right?

ain't handed you no dividends, right?

cause if I ain't did shit for you I ain't really doing shit right

can only see me through what I can do for you

cause all that shit you did for me

like that one time...

wait

no like that time

shit

why can't I think of a time when you actually gave a fuck?

gotta be a slight chance I'm just forgetting

cause ain't no way

after all these years I'm still tryna please this demon

but I am

because behind all the post about not giving a fuck

I give absolutely too many

so when I make this post it's not for

Barbara, Pam or Kenny

it's for you

and I sit here

too afraid of your answer

so, I don't address you directly

I couldn't

if I did I wouldn't

be able to make an excuse for you

"oh it's because you didn't @ me"

"it's social media you know they rather show shit from 12 days ago rather than shit you just tweeted"

"I must've missed it"

I guess my downfall is this caring shit

cause after all this

I still hit post

and I wonder

what would you say

if today I pass away

-Mikela Bacon