CHILL ✧spam

just a bit of a talk

hi, my name is ashley. i am sixteen years old. 

i look in the mirror and i tend to like what i see. im not hideous, i believe i am quite average. im decently smart, i have great friends and an amazing family. but sometimes i feel awful. it always lingers in the back of my mind and i hate it. 

some days, im overconfident, i dress nice and i believe i can get anyone i want if i tried. 

but some days, i dont believe im worth anything at all. and it's a very scary thought, but it doesn't bother me. it just lingers in the back of my mind that ill never ever be loved or ill never mean anything to anyone ever. 

i hate it. i know that it's probably not true, but it feels so real. but i ignore it. but tonight has been weird. ive been thinking terrible thoughts, and it doesn't sit well so i decided to write them.

i have never been called 'beautiful' or 'cute' by a boy before. and boys, aren't they just the cutest? i want attention from them, romantically but no guys are interested in me. i am not very attractive. so i opt-in dating girls. girls don't care about looks, that's why they were interested in me. i have dated two girls in my life, and they both broke up with me via text. they didn't last very long but it just showed me that no one is interested in me.

i am obsessive. i don't want to be. but i enjoy attention and praise and company. and i dont want to lose it so i become clingy. no one likes it. i feel like a monster, just absorbing all their happiness and crushing it.

ive never kissed anyone. ive never gotten high. ive never had sex. 

i hate it. i want to be a bit of a bad girl. but you cant do these things alone, but no one loves me enough to do these things with me.

i feel like i am not worth it. i am not worth meeting, i am not worth getting through the rough patches. i am not worth getting through the hard parts because i am unlovable.

i look in the mirror and hate myself. is it the acne? the patchy hair? my eyes being different sizes? my body type? i dont know. but i ignore these thoughts. because tomorrow they'll go away.

i want to get this out here, not for attention so please do not comment, if they is anyone reading this. i just want to get my feelings out there because they are going to burst out of my chest and i cannot risk that. not when ive been feeling a little better. 

- ash