Alice // Phan AU

Two; Two

Paige sat on the outside of the bathroom all night, talking to me and making sure I didn't leave to do something I'd regret. She begged me to come out here and there but I couldn't bring myself to face her and I felt awful for making her stay up just to talk to me when I didn't deserve it at all.

At some point, she stopped talking and I knew she had fallen asleep so I waited a few minutes before finally getting up and opening the door to see her huddled up on the floor, sound asleep.

I gently picked her up and realized how at peace she looked when she wasn't fighting with me or worried sick about what I had been doing.

She seemed exhausted, I didn't understand how she'd managed to deal with me for this long and still been able to tell me she wanted the best for me when all I did was hurt her, use her and cause her way too much pain.

I couldn't feel bad for too long because she stirred a bit and opened her eyes.

She yawned softly before giving me a surprised look.

"I'm so sorry," she immediately said and got herself off my arms. "How are you feeling? Still wanna talk?"

"I'm fine, thank you. How are you?" I asked her and she shook her head.

"Never mind how I am. We need to talk about what you're going to do, okay? So how about we go out to get breakfast and we can talk. We gotta start somewhere, okay?"

My guilt from the night before took over me and I slowly nodded.

"Yeah, I will."

"Thank you," she said and hugged me. "Now go shower so we can go out to eat breakfast because you need to get some food in you and please, don't take forever."

She left and I turned to walk back into the bathroom and closed the door behind me

I began to take my shirt off when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and suddenly felt embarrassed.

I looked dead. Sunken eyes, too-pale skin and ribs exposed, I almost didn't know who I was looking at.

I was never one to be very insecure, especially being someone that slept with... everyone. People have always told me that I was attractive and so I never thought about it much, never looked in the mirror long enough to pick out things I didn't like, never really cared enough.

I did get a little insecure once in a while but never to the point where I almost didn't want to get undressed to only be disappointed with the rest of my body.

I sighed and stared at myself for a little longer before turning around and continuing to undress.

I showered quickly to not keep Paige waiting for so long and I couldn't stand seeing myself naked and went to get changed when I realized how loosely my clothes fit me.

All the more reason to be insecure and hate my body. This was a new and I didn't like it one bit.

I waited for Paige to shower and change and once she was finished, we were off in her car because she refused to let me drive ever since I nearly got into a crash which wasn't exactly an accident and she could see that right through me.

"Is there anything you wanna tell me to begin with?" She asked me once we finished ordering in the little diner we managed to find just outside of town.

I shrugged, my eyes glued onto the table. I didn't know why I was avoiding her gaze. Was it because I knew if I looked at her, I'd break down crying? Was it because I couldn't care to look into her eyes and see the pain I've caused? Or was it because whenever I looked into anyone's eyes, all I could think of was how much I loved his ocean-blue eyes?

Probably all three.

"Alright. Well, let's start with why you left your place then. You didn't ever tell me what happened."

I clenched my hands into fists under the table. I avoided absolutely everything for this long, I knew very well I'd have to speak up at some point but I didn't want to and now I was here, on the verge of bursting into tears because of everything that happened the day my life went downhill again.

"Dan--"

"I got into a fight with my grandma after some things happened and I told her that I was leaving and wasn't coming back. That's why my phone is almost always off. I know she's calling me but I can't answer."

The thought that Gran might still be calling me every day and night but I avoid my phone as much as possible killed me.

"Oh, Dan... why didn't you want to go back? You could have apologized and talked to her, you didn't have to leave," Paige sighed.

"Other things happened, it all got out of hand and I just needed to.. to run away from it all." I mumbled.

"Oh, hun.. I wish that was how it worked but it's not. You're starting off good though, acknowledging your mistakes is a step in the right direction."

I shook my head, chewing on my bottom lip nervously.

"And you know what? I think it's time to start working towards fixing things up again, I mean, don't you miss your grandma?" Page spoke again.

Missed Gran? There wasn't a day that went by where I didn't think about her and all the ways I hurt her, how she always loved and cared for me and all I did was leave her alone.

Besides, where would I start? For all I know, Chris had forgotten about me weeks ago and I'm sure I was the last person PJ would wanna hear from.

I guess Sara was a start but I didn't know if I wanted to see her, let alone come back with way more problems than before.

I needed to start, but where? I didn't have anything anymore. Just an addiction and broken pieces from the memories.

"Look, I think you should definitely try seeing Sara again and maybe try to find a job, or better yet start going to school again. I can't stress how important your last school year is." Paige said softly. "I'm right here to help you, okay? I know you can do this. Also, please call your grandmother eventually. Please."

I nodded slowly. It was the most reasonable way to start and I already knew who I could go to for a job.

***

"Are you sure you don't want me to go?" Paige asked for the seventh time as I unlocked my car door for the first time in weeks.

"I'll be fine, I won't do anything stupid," I assured her again. It took too long to convince her to give me back my car keys after the "almost-accident" but I couldn't take her with me on this.

"Be careful and please don't come back high, Daniel, I swear--"

"I'm not going to get high anymore." I said and I knew better than anyone that wasn't true but she gave me a small smile and she seemed more at ease.

"I'm proud of you. Stay safe and be back before midnight."

I got into my car and turned the engine on, feeling a bit better sitting in my own car and driving myself to places again. It'd been a while since I was in control.

I drove around the city first, just looking around at everything I had run away from for so long before making my way to where I was headed to at first.

I almost didn't knock on her door of shame and at how stupid I felt but I managed to muster the courage and Blake opened the door, a smile creeping onto her face when she saw me.

"Hey. Long time, no see."

"Busy," I shrugged. I didn't want to drag this on for longer than it needed to be.

"Mhm. So what now? Gonna run off on me again Alice?" she teased and I rolled my eyes.

"I came back for a reason. Are you in the mood to make money or not?"

"That's what I like to hear. Welcome back, Hatter."