Alice // Phan AU

Two; Three

It felt like the first time all over again; sweaty palms with shaky hands, my knees bouncing as I bit the inside of my cheek, waiting. Except this time, Gran wasn't with me like she was at my first session.

She rubbed my back and reassured me that I would be fine and I would give anything to have her with me right now, rubbing my back again and giving me a sweet smile as she wished me luck and watched me walk away with Sara.

But I was alone and I had brought this upon myself. I was now facing the consequences of pushing away people that only wanted to help me.

"Dan, it's been a while," I heard her say and I looked up from where I was sitting to see Sara smiling down at me.

Her expression almost fell away when she saw my face but I ignored it and gave her a small smile in return.

I followed her in the usual room and sat in the chair at the very back corner like I always did before turning to look at her.

"How are you?" she asked softly to start with and I shrugged like I used to do.

It wasn't that I didn't know how I was feeling. I was feeling many things but I never knew where to start or what to say first, especially right now so all I could do was shrug and avoid eye contact.

"It's been a while since out last session. Anything new happen?"

There were so many things but again, I didn't know where to start.

I shrugged again, feeling guilty for not saying anything. I didn't know what to say, I couldn't pull myself together enough to collect my thoughts and form them into sentences.

"Well, how's your mother?"

Shit.

That was like a bullet to my chest, a pain that was unbearable. I could feel myself fall apart on the spot, the tears I didn't want to show were spilling from my eyes and sobs were breaking past my lips from one simple question.

How was she? She could be fine. She could be okay. She could be with me still, everything could be the way it was. She could be. But she wasn't and now, she was never going to be okay, fine, or here with me.

"She passed...four months ago," I said once I had managed to form the words, my voice shaky.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Daniel. How have you been holding up with these news?"

Her tone was even more gentle, as if she could tell I had gotten worse and I hated that. I used to be so closed and even when I was in the verge of a breakdown, I covered it up with a smile, a joke or a laugh. But as the months passed, I couldn't even bring myself to try to smile and I was becoming more and more easy to read. I didn't like it. I didn't want to be the mentally unstable kid in anyones eyes, I wanted people to continue seeing me as some random guy who they could buy their escape from.

Instead, I was the one looking for an escape. This was what I'd become.

"Well, I've come for a reason, haven't I?" I said quietly.

"And what is that reason?"

"I want to get better."

Sara nodded and picked up her folder, opening it and picking up her pen.

"And you know what that means, right? We're going to have to discuss these things and these people you haven't been able to speak about."

"Yeah, I know." I mumbled and she nodded again.

"Alright. I'm very glad to hear you're ready to take a step forward and get help. What I wanted to start with was something we couldn't exactly finish. Is there anything specific that you wanted to start with?"

I shook my head. All I wanted was to get this over with.

"Okay. So, I asked this a while ago now but I didn't exactly get an answer. You've mentioned him to your other therapists and you refused to talk about him any further. Who is Theodore and what was he to you?"

I was telling myself to stay calm because I knew she would ask that but how do you stay calm when you hear the name of the someone that took everything that meant anything to you? Someone you'd been trying to forget for years?

I balled my hands into fists to stop them from shaking and took a deep breath, avoiding her gaze.

"It's Theo. He was my.. best friend. He took the people I loved away from me, including himself."

***

I couldn't shut my eyes for even a second which resulted in me staying up all night again but I still pulled myself off the bed and got ready for school.

School didn't matter to me anymore. I had kept my grades at a high average for the past three years and a half but after everything I had left disappeared, school was as insignificant as was anything else.

I did show up occasionally but not often enough and when I did, I always managed to give up midway through the day and eventually just leave. But this was different, now I had to come back to make the money I used to and I was more anxious than I wanted to admit. My heart was beating almost as fast as it was the very first time I did this with Chris.

Chris.

I brushed the thought away and finally approached the small group of junkies that I used to sell to a lot before disappearing and I was pleasantly surprised when they greeted me with a big smile and acted like nothing had happened, like I wasn't gone for months.

I hadn't realized how social I was once until people started coming to me and asking how I was doing, inviting me to parties and joking with me like they used to do before. It was so odd getting back into the habit and I almost felt normal until someone asked where Chris was.

I made up an excuse quickly and we laughed about it but it stung and I knew I had to do something. Anything.

Then the end of the day came and I walked to the parking lot, leaning against my car and crossing my arms.

I had nothing planned, I didn't know what I was going to do and I could easily bail and drive away but I stayed put and waited.

Then I saw him and my heart pace quickened. He looked the same, yet different and I couldn't quite pinpoint what it was that looked off about him.

His head turned and for a brief moment, our eyes met but I quickly turned away and got into my car, turning the engine on and driving away without looking back.

Sweat was running down the side of my face, my hands shook slightly as I tightened my grip on the steering wheel.

I could hear my heart beating in my ears.

"I'm going to keep my promise."

I pulled over immediately, my ears ringing.

What?

I let out a quiet, short laugh as I leaned my head against the wheel. My mind was filled with unwanted thoughts, my anxiety was high and I almost thought I heard.. him.

No. No, how could that be?

I shook my head and let out another chuckle. I needed to get out of my head, and I knew exactly how to do that.

"I'm sorry, Paige," I whispered as I got back onto the road and made my way down the highway, just outside the city where I'd become friends with many people who could help me.

Just one more time wouldn't hurt me, right?