This is just a public diary no one will read

What will they say?

A kid I went to high school with died, idk how I'm assuming overdose or suicide. I was never close with him, hell I don't think I ever spoke to him. But I'm not gonna be the one that says I will miss him, sure I might give a condolence to his family but I'm not going to be the fake ass person.

I saw messages that said we used to be so close in high school, where were you now? He didn't leave for school and neither did you why weren't you there for him?

If I were too die right now, i first don't know how long it'd take them to find my body. My door closed from the outside world roommates off in their own, maybe Sarah's just sleeping. People might start to notice once I haven't answered any Snapchat's in a while.
But that'd take hours, to just find my small body curled up in my blankets.

It'd take a little bit for my sister to find out, even though she lives 5 doors down. Would my roommates even think about running and getting her? Or would when the ambulance finally pulls up and everyone is standing and watching, would one of her roommates say something if she wasn't home?

If my sister didn't find out my parents sure wouldn't for a bit, and then they'd have to drive 3-4 grueling hours knowing their daughters dead? Who'd call them? My sister? The EMTa after they find my insurance card and IDs? The police? I'm not really sure how that works.

How would my parents announce it? A Facebook post? What would all the people who cut me off from their lives say? What about the people I just brought into it? Who would be fake? Would I have multiple people posting my picture on Snapchat saying I was taken too young or the funniest? What if I wanted to be taken?

How would they do the funeral? One in Michigan, one in Illinois? Funerals are expensive and my parents don't need that cost on them, especially 2. Would my college friends drive all the way back home to my funeral or would they just wish to be there.  That thought makes me choke a little bit, do people even care to go to your funeral (besides family of course)?

If I were to die right now; in the dark of my room, barely light by a small candle. The light flickering again my tv and the word "strong" and "fearless" on my wall. I tanned so you can see the faded cuts on my hip, wasn't intentional of course. My blanket is no longer tucked under my mattress, during hot nights it was kicked off. Clothes I wore for not too long sit in my basket ready to be worn again. All my dresser drawers are open with clothes spilling out. My room is a mess, my life is a mess.

What picture would you want your family to display at your funeral, what outfit, your makeup/hair. And other specific jewelry. I had my suicide dress, until one Easter maybe Mother's Day my oldest sister came looking for a dress to wear and she found it hidden in the back and wore it. It was no longer the dress.

This might actually depend on how I died, if my wrists were slashed I'd wear my black long sleeve dress with polka dots, if it was something else there could be a few dresses. I'd want my signature cat wings and maybe my hair curled but that could be asking too much. And to leave my bird necklace on, maybe my pandora bracelet and random cheap earrings.

Did you know that some families will give morticians underwear to put on their family member's body even though it's pretty useless now? They also have to cut most clothes to get them on since your body is just dead weight.

I'd hope they'd use a really cute selfie or a picture of me from prom. I hate movies were they use their school pictures, mine never turned out that great. Would they post all my goofy snap pictures up as a memorial of my fun loved spirit? Or would it be just strictly baby photos and nice ones. I'd actually like the goofy pictures up, make some people smile at a dark place.
I'd hope they put small trinkets or pictures in my casket. My pets, my family. Actually idk what trinkets would go in there, like oh you can't ever find Sarah without blank. I can't think of what that would be.

I'd also have to clean up a lot before I die. All the nudes on my phone and dirty conversations with boys. I think I might even just straight up make a album of photos I want shown at my funeral, is that weird? I'd make a list of my passwords and usernames, make things a little bit easier. I'd also wanna write notes but I've tried that before and it's hard to get the point across.

I wanna go back to the point of people who never made the effort with you anymore but would jump up at your funeral for the clout. I have a few girls in mind. They'd post pictures from high school but what about after when I tried and told you when I'd be home and there was nothing. There's a guy like that too, someone I tried to connect with multiple times and I was always seconded and forgotten. Makes you think who'd stand up and say they loved me and never told me or just people who said I meant the world to them. Well my 'friends' back home sure would say that.

What about my new sorority sisters, how would they feel? Would they start donating to suicide prevention, or to my families cost fir the funeral? Would they put my pin on me? Would I get some sort of picture in the house or on the composite we haven't taken yet?

How would my roommates feel, they'd be the ones to find me. That'd be pretty scaring. Both already silently going through a rough time, would I make it worse? Would they continue to live in our apartment, my door just forever closed?

How would my guy friends take it? Too strong to show emotion? Cry for a sister they always wanted and cared for? Or they guys I didn't know to well, would they be shocked at the girl who would run around causing trouble and still have time to be mom wasn't going to come around? How would they remember me and mourn me?

What about old hook ups? How would they react? Probably sad since they weren't gonna get laid anymore but idk.

I'm now reading this thinking I sound so selfish. Only thinking about how people would feel and if they would care. But that's the thing, I never know when people care. Even if they say it my brain automatically goes towards they don't and that their lying. Sure I want to die but I don't want to die just to see people's reactions.
Technically I wouldn't even be able to I don't think lol unless theirs a cool afterlife idk about lol