Dear Jeff [complete]

4. Lilac wine

"When I think more than I want to think

I do things I never should do

I drink much more that I ought to drink

Because it brings me back you"

Dear Jeff,

I wonder when exactly I lost my mind... I am not okay. But, somehow, I guess that's okay. I have been dealing with too much this past weeks. I miss you too much. I cry too much. I drink too much.

And the worst part is that I know it's like I'm being pulled under by a cold river of sadness, and I can't seem to know what to do. I keep drinking... I keep crying...

Every night I go to sleep alone dreaming wide awake with you beside me and I almost can feel your tender touch, the way it burns my skin like gasoline on fire. I can almost hear your voice. Calling me by my name, telling me everything will be alright.

Why did you leave me Jeff? Why?

Tonight it's just another rainy night and I stay all by myself. A cup of whiskey in my hands. A burning throat and a broken heart. I don't know what else to do with all this sadness... I am broke, Jeff. My heart, my life, my dreams... They are all broken. But I guess that's nothing I can do about it.

I talk to myself, or at least I think I talk. I'm not sure anymore. I speak to God but He doesn't seem to answer my prayers. The silence is all I feel. And I have never been so alone in my life.

I drink much more than I should. I feel my head spinning and my heart racing, but I don't care. Drinking is the only thing that can take my sadness away for a while. So tonight I think I will drink again. A cup of whiskey turns two, three, and four. Until the bottle is empty and my mind if full.

I don't care.

Because I think too much about the memories I should forget. I hold on too much to the things I should let go. I miss you more than they say I should. I love you more than my heart knows how to.

I am unsteady. I feel like I am going crazy.

I miss you Jeff. I guess I'll miss you until the stars stop shining in this cold and dark sky outside.

"Lilac wine, I feel unsteady, where's my love?

Listen to me, why is everything so hazy?

Isn't that she, or am I just going crazy, dear?"