Excerpts From My Life ♥︎

『some thinking』

20. September 2019     

Dear Reader,

     I do not know why I started this book that you're currently reading—can I even call whatever this is a "book"? It clearly doesn't have any chapters, nor does it have a plot. So I guess it's not a typical Wattpad novel. It's more like letters. Letters that I write to you.

     But why am I writing these letters? No, it's not because I am out of ideas; in fact, I have countless (almost 32) drafts on my profile, that could be written into amazing novels and trilogies, that have the potential to be extremely famous, but life hasn't given me enough ease of mind to actually do something productive—at the moment. [Note: Gosh, I just reread this sentence, and I sound so cocky. But then again, my words are the one thing I'm proud of. Please let me gloat about that, since I have nothing else to offer.]

     Anyway. You, whoever you are – because really, I have no clue who you are – thank you for reading this—um—anonymous message (?). You can read on if you want, and if you don't you can leave. But I will continue sending them to you because I really need someone to talk to. 

     On a lighter note (it's definitely not lighter, but here you go), I'd like you to ponder about this for me: Do you know what I like about social media? Social media gives me the option to choose whether other people can know who I am or not. This little trait helps me a lot. I can be anyone I want with them, I can be open, I can be bad. It makes me feel as if I'm familiar with people when really, I'm not. I read an article about this once, and it described my feeling as "a hollow sense of attachment." I find that really amusing yet highly disturbing. 

     We're all connected so vastly to people — I, myself, know this guy in California when actually we live seas apart. But I don't know him outside of what he tells me. I know his words, I know his face, and I know... just what he chooses to share.

     So tell me, do all of us want Facebook "friends" or Instagram "followers" to feel that we are known, by someone somewhere, if not by the people around us? Or is it because we like the fact that people like us without even really knowing us at all? Do we crave attachment so much, that it doesn't matter if it is "hollow"... or is it because we've don't know how the "authentic" feels like, because all we've ever known is the fake?

     I wonder... I truly do... 

     Tell me, how utterly pathetic can we, as the Human race, become? We're social mammals, yet we can be so unsocial, so antisocial, so ultimately alone, that we create this bubble all around us. This protective shield. We don't talk, we chat. We don't meet, we facetime. We don't love, we tinder. We don't enjoy the view, we click and post and tag. We're sad. We're artificial. We're dehumanizing ourselves. We're totally out of touch with ourselves.

     So really, tell me: What do we have left, if not a "hollow sense of attachment"?  

     (Told you it wouldn't be light.)

     Back to the main topic though, I really need someone to talk to. Someone who doesn't know my real name, or where I live. Someone who just reads about me, comments about what they think without even thinking too much. Someone who doesn't really care about my life, but tries to help anyway... 

     Let's put it this way to make things simpler: (1) you don't know me and (2) I am not someone famous. That means, that even if I die, you won't be feeling sorry for me or bother typing in a regular "rest in peace" on your Twitter or Whatsapp story. This perception of being looked at with neutrality? This is exactly what makes me feel safe to speak about myself without feeling scared to be judged.