Plot Bunnies Floating Around My Head

being touched

She hates being touched. She hates being hugged when she's not the one who gave it. She hates being trapped. Most of all she hates feeling like this.

Whether it be accidental or as a joke, she'll find herself tensed up and flinching, only a second from recoiling away, when she remembers she's with her friends.

And. He's. Not. Here.

But with every touch she freezes up, and for a second their faces exchange with his and then glitches back to normal. She knows it's not real but imaginations are as true to the mind as reality is.

And so she hates being touched without always mentally assuring herself she's safe. She begins to hate being hugged from behind and in surprises.

She'll stand frozen and wait for them to let her go, she'll force herself to be calm, even with the rising panic within her and the tears that threaten to leak out. And when they let go, she'll remove herself so quickly from them it should be suspicious.

But they never notice, so it never is.

She begins to resent being held by the hand when she doesn't want to. She hates the way she begins to feel trapped everytime when she isn't the one to initiate a physical touch, or when she hasn't prepared herself for it.

She begins to hold her fear in, even when her heart speeds up and any longer she may cry herself to panic.

And maybe once when she sits between two people she cries and panics but she's able to pass that off as anxiety and general uncomfortability with closed off spaces.

And then it becomes fine. She's able to be attacked with sudden hugs without panicking.

She becomes used to it. Used to living with that fear and it no longer bothers her. It took a while, years perhaps, but she becomes used to being touched again.

And while it's not gone, while she still fears the feeling of being trapped, while she still hates being hugged from behind by males, she's learnt the self control required to never make it look awkward.

And she hopes they may never know, because that would return her back to square one.

She's not good, not healed, but she's better and she'll make it through.