U.M. // H2OVanoss

Chapter 6

Dear Evan,

I'm sorry.

It's kind of stupid to write a letter to a dead person, isn't it? But, I needed an outlet or something, somewhere where I can talk out all these...emotions.

Everyone fucking hates me, Ev. You, my parents, myself, fucking everyone hates my guts. I get it, you know, I'm a monster, I deserve all that hate, but, it still hurts, you know? I'm human, too, you know?

Even if I'm a monster.

Nut-job.

Psycho.

Freak.

Emotionless.

Deranged.

Killer.

I'm still human. Fucked up, but still human.

I'm so fucking sorry.

I was just some stupid kid, Evan, and I loved you. Still love you. Maybe I just got obsessed, I don't know, but I love you so fucking much.

Yet you didn't love me back. Why didn't you love me back? Jonathan said maybe ten words to you in third grade and yet you loved him for almost ten years yet I was been your best friend nearly straight out of the fucking womb and you don't even do a fucking double take. Do you know how much that hurts? I fell for you, Evan, yet you just watched me hit the dirt. Do you know much that stings, Evan? I was mad.

But, I never wanted to kill you.

Maybe it crossed my mind that hurting you wasn't the right option, that it would end up hurting me more.

Never thought it'd kill you, babe.

I wish I had known, though, because that would've changed everything. If you had just told me, Evan, I would've helped you. I could've gotten you help. A therapist, counselor, something to help you, to make you feel better. But, you just hated me. Again. After everything I did for you, you just hated me, Evan.

I'm sorry for just wanting you to love me.

Jonathan didn't know you, Evan, he just fucking left you hanging. He just wanted to use you, Evan, he never liked you back, he just used you. Like everyone, Evan, he just used you. You were never his first choice, Evan, never.

I wanted you to see that he wasn't good enough for you, Evan. That's all I wanted. I wanted you to see who he really was and realize that I'm all you need. We could've been happy, Ev. I would've dealt with Craig, with Brock, with everyone; I would've fixed it, Evan. I promise.

Not like my promises are worth much anyway; my parents' promises aren't all that great either. Just not in the genes, I guess. But, for you, I would've tried my best. I love you, Evan, with all my heart.

Did I mention that my parents hate the very air that I breathe?

They had told me they'd always love me, for the rest of my life, in fact, but I guess after spending some time in jail people tend to change their minds. I'm okay with that, though, because I never did it for them.

I did it all for you, Evan.

But now you're dead, so I guess it was all for nothing, huh?

I still love you. Too much, really.

Lately, I've been thinking about that day you somehow got my paper for me even when I left it at home like a dumbass. You were nervous about something, but I was too hung up on my stupid paper to even ask.

When you gave me back my paper, you wanted to tell me something. What was it, Evan? What did you want to tell me that day? Was it about that look in your eyes? The nervous and anxious look? The one that made you fidgety when you went to talk to that senior?

Never took you as the nervous type, Evan.

Never took you as the type anything less than perfect.

What did high school do to you, Evan?

Because I think you did the same thing to me.

Love,

Tyler

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"I'm mad at you two." John announced, dumping his jacket dramatically onto the table of the diner that Smitty and Scott had invited him to for lunch. They had invited Evan as well, but the older boy had turned the pair down with the excuse that he's tired. He sat down, swiping Smitty's root beer and taking a long sip for himself before handing it back.

Scott dipped at his own drink, amused. "And why is that?"

He slammed his hands on the table, nodding a silent apology to those around him before turning back to the pair. "First of all, you didn't tell me how gorgeous your friend is. As a fellow gay, I'm greatly offended. Secondly, you didn't tell me that said gorgeous friend has a boyfriend, who I'm already ready to bust his knee caps if he ever hurts him. As a fellow gay, I not only wish to be informed of all the beautiful people you invite into your life, I also wish to be informed of their availability. Not to mention how adorably shy he is-Fuck, why did you have to wait so long to introduce me to the love of my life?"

"I'm sitting right in front of you, what do you mean?" Smitty retorted. "Also, since when does Evan have a boyfriend?"

John stopped his dramatic actions for a second. "You didn't know? Craig was telling me on our way back to the dorms. Not to mention he was also being kind of cryptic about it-"

"Oh yeah I forgot he knows Craig." Scott interrupted. "It would make sense that Evan has a boyfriend, now that I think about it. Remember how Craig was asking him about someone? You think that was his boyfriend?"

"You're getting off topic. I'm mad at you two, remember?" John exclaimed, slamming his palm onto the table's surface once more. "You failed to tell me that you know an angel and I don't think I can ever trust you again. Craig's my best friend now, screw you."

Smitty rolled his eyes as he sipped on his root beer. Meanwhile, Scott smiled, amused at the pout on John's face. "You'll be back."