Old Sepia Pages

14. watershed

22nd august, thursday, 2019

dear diary,

I'm not a big fan of change, but it's how growth happens.

I was going through the 8th cut-off lists of Delhi University two days ago. I went straight to the science courses. I don't know why. Maybe the fact that my life wasn't going anywhere was constantly at the back of my mind. Or that my current college and course were a dead-end. Or that I didn't have my family's approval. Or the knowledge that having a non-science course will limit my job options to India but that I don't really have an attachment to this country anymore, so there's no point. Or that my current course is too easy and below my potential and it doesn't really deserve respect and it doesn't really keep my brain active. Whatever it was, I went through the cut-off lists. Computer Science honors in Indraprastha College for Women, one of the top colleges of DU, was open for those who had scored between 93-94%.

So yesterday I took admission there. Just like that.

In the evening, I went all the way back to KNC to attend the evening practice of our play. I could have simply quit; that's what two other girls, who changed their college, did. They said their goodbyes over text. But I didn't want to do that. That's not how I bid farewell to something I've grown to love. They are my friends. I owe them tearful hugs and promises to keep in touch. Strange, isn't it? I would've given anything to get out when I came here. I hated every little thing from the campus to the course to the crowd. I even disliked the strictness of our theatre society, and now look at me, traveling all the way back to attend one practice session. 

I didn't tell my friends about it, though. Didn't seem like the right time for that. They were focused on the practice and it would've killed the mood. Instead, I went around, humming and saying my dialogues, carrying this feeling inside my heart, this weird tug. I'm leaving, I kept thinking. 

I couldn't sleep at night yesterday. I paced back and forth for a long time, thinking about this. I know I'm making the right decision. I've learnt that people change and that it's foolish to make decisions based on them; unless it's someone you would die for. When I was asked, many years ago, if I wanted to stay in this house or live somewhere else, I chose to stay because I was just making friends. They lasted for 2 months. Then they became busy, and it came to an end. How do you feel when the reason why you made a decision ceases to exist? When the ground you stood on is pulled away from beneath your feet? And this happened again when I could have changed my school after class 10 but didn't. I stayed because the school felt like home until one day, it just didn't. It became a jail.

I'm learning from my mistakes. I'm not going to stay because of people again. I know that things will become different anyway. People have a tendency to quit Societies when it becomes difficult to manage studies. At least I got my wish— I'm leaving while things are still good so that when I think of this college, only happy things come to my mind. I don't have to stick around to see the Society fall apart. I won't have regrets. It had to happen.

But why this course when I'd vowed never to touch science again? I don't know either. I won't admit it to anyone, but I felt my brain wasn't getting the exercise it should have. It was rusting slowly. Art shapes you in one way, and logic shapes you in the other. Can poetry exist without logic? Can art exist without science? 

Besides, I've always been told that unless I've done my homework, I haven't earned the right to have fun. And I guess somewhere I felt guilty for having chosen an easy course. It couldn't be counted as work. Besides, doing subjects that require you to just read won't keep your brain active, will they? I definitely hate maths. But I miss the flow that's created when I'm solving questions, one after the other, and then flipping to the last page of the book to check my answers. 

Two years of science pushed me to my limits. They taught me to work hard, so much so that I began to feel as if I'd lost myself because I wasn't having fun. But my two months in KNC made me realize that it's not really possible to lose who you are. I learned to have fun again. And now, I guess it's time to balance both. It's time to say another goodbye I'm not ready for, hop onto another roller coaster and get ready for a new adventure.

I'm at a watershed.

Today, I went to the new college to attend classes in the morning. And then back to KNC again for the practice session. My seniors met me first and asked about this new college. Why was I not doing psychology, they asked me. I'm doing everything apart from my favorite subject. I don't know. Maybe it's because I realized that the particular branch that I want to choose, hypnotherapy, doesn't require you to study conventional psychology first. You can just enroll for a 6-month course and become a past-life regression therapist. And I think I can do that after I'm settled. Now might not be the right time to pursue that. Now, I think, is the time to prepare to go abroad. College won't happen again and again.

Anyway, after that I went to my batchmates. I asked them to come and form a close circle because I had something to announce. And then I told them that I was leaving. Shruti started crying. They all hugged me and told me they'd miss me. I felt touched. I hadn't expected a reaction like that. Then we went to the common room and danced like crazy, and we went to the metro station in an auto with me lying across their laps and wearing my slippers on my hand and waving at people. We decided that we all would go out to eat tomorrow, after our play.

By the way, I got in touch with one of Mago's friends, who lives close by, and asked about her. I was told that she's doing well, and that her phone has been taken away, and that her mom made her delete her accounts. I have no idea how to respond to this.

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