Bending or Breaking

Someone You Loved

Hopper was gone. He really was.

This was all Joyce could think when she woke up with Jane hugging her in Joyce and Hopper's bed. Although it would never be his again.

Joyce had cried until she nearly passed out from exhaustion. That was when she laid down on her side, curled up. Jane had sat with her while she cried. Sometime soon after Joyce fell asleep, Jane spooned her. There was nothing romantic about this, of course. Jane was her daughter. It was simply the need to feel the warmth of someone else, and to feel like you weren't alone in your suffering. Although it didn't numb the agony for either of them very much.

Joyce truly felt broken inside. She wished so badly that she could put on a brave face for her kids. Smile for them and be their mother again. She knew they deserved it.

But Joyce had nothing left to give.

She was empty inside, she felt as though her soul had been scooped out of her. Now she was just a useless meat puppet. Although she didn't know who would be there to pull the strings. Joyce needed someone who would at least give her a sense of direction. Somewhere to go from here. Otherwise she would be trapped in this hell forever.

Joyce reluctantly, slowly sat up, and decided to do something for her kids.

•••

Joyce sighed softly as she dragged from another cigarette, flipping the bacon in the pan.

A large drop of grease jumped up and burned her skin. Joyce felt it but she couldn't seem to do anything but stand there and watch her skin melt.

Joyce had felt cigarette burns before. Ash flicked in her direction, her own idiocy. Sometimes when Lonnie was angry and drunk, he'd try to grab her and put cigarettes out on her. Joyce still had nightmares.

But this was somewhat different. It was less painful, sure... But this was distracting. The pain of the burn had made her forget Hopper for the quickest of seconds.

Joyce shook her head fiercely. This was not what she should be thinking. She was making breakfast for her kids. This was important.

Joyce flipped the bacon again, sighing. She knew the kids would love this as a bit of a treat. It had been awhile since she had even made breakfast, let alone bacon. A lot of the time, the kids had to just scrounge in the fridge and cabinets for a meal. 

Joyce felt like a failure as a parent. She was. She had left the kids to fend for themselves for months. They deserved a present parent, especially El.  After Hopper's death, El needed support. Deserved it. But Joyce wasn't there to give it. She was an empty shell without Hopper's guidance. She felt like a mess. Joyce was falling apart, and all she could think of each day was Hopper's face before she killed him. She finally had a truly good man in her life. He was stable, reliable and pretty damn brave. He could handle her world. He understood her. He loved her. 

Joyce gasped as she realized this. Hopper loved her. She loved him. Joyce turned off the stove, placed the spatula on the counter, and blinked back tears. She had to make breakfast. This was not a time for crying. But she slowly crumpled to the floor, laying on her side as she sobbed, wailing into her thin arms. She felt guilty because one of the kids might find her like this, but she couldn't stop the emotions pouring from her. Joyce gasped for air, her lungs feeling constricted as she held back the tortured screams that threatened to escape her mouth. Joyce whispered in a raspy voice, "Why?" over and over and over again. Why is a powerful word. Why was Hopper dead? Why had she been the one to kill him? Why did all of them have to suffer this? Why did the events of the past years have to happen in Hawkins? Why? 

why

A/N: I haven't written anything in awhile. This story is a bit hard for me to write simply because the material is so heavy, but I love the story, and so do others so I write it for all of you. This story is sort of an outlet for me when I'm sad. I lost my pet guinea pig of 7 or so years back in April. He passed from old age, 8 is their lifespan if you're really lucky, but my baby was a runt so 7 was so good for him. I was so devastated. I've mostly recovered from it, but writing this story, I drudged up the emotions again so I could write this from the perspective of great loss. Why was a question I asked when I found my poor baby's body... Sorry if this is sad, but the story itself is very sad. Anyways, I have happier, fluffier Jopper stories if you need a break! I do plan on updating those soon there's just been a lot going on. Stay safe in these terrifying times! <3