A Bad Spy's Guide To Life

Rule One: Never Follow Mysterious People Through a Rainstorm

Rule One: Never follow mysterious people through a rainstorm

"Hey there, guys and girls! Thank you for coming, we may now begin. Picture yourself floating above a cloud, happy as can be. Now, time for you to..." she drones on, but who is actually listening? Exactly. "...and that will be all. Now go, look through a rainstorm for your homework, look for what we were talking about earlier." Oh, that’s why people listen to people when they are talking. So they understand the homework.

Note in brain: try to pay attention. Even if you would rather eat your own poop than do such a thing. And yes, I said poop. I don't swear, okay? Wait, talking to self again, must stop that...

So, how to find out the homework. Ask the teacher? Too normal. Ask a student? They think I’m mute… dammit. So, that leaves one option. You know what it is? Of course I’m doing the homework, who do you think I am?

But what homework to do? Well, I have one idea. She mentioned a rainstorm, so you know what? I’m going to stalk someone through a rainstorm! Preferably someone dressed entirely in black, wearing a mask and hurrying. So where to find them? Over there! Run!

Right so following this conveniently placed man in black with a ski mask. I should probably learn how to stalk first but, hey! That’s boring! Bum bum bum bum bum. Totally not humming a spy song and army crawling (whilst holding my hands as a gun) (because yes I am just that skilled). Hey did I mention that I’m still in a rainstorm. And army crawling along the wet ground may not be my greatest idea yet?

“Hey what are you doing there?” I look up and there he is, the hot guy from my dreams. He is standing there, shirtless in the middle of a rainstorm and – only kidding. The guy isn’t even my age, he looks around fifty. Dammit, can’t I ever pick a hot guy my age to stalk? Wait, I’m pretty sure that when stalking someone you should be unseen… dammit. I blush bright red and stand up, stammering my apologies. Who am I kidding? I continued army crawling along the ground as if it was normal. Who says it isn’t?

I just realised something. The fact that I have no friends might, just possibly, be related to my strange… habits, let’s call them. Such as this. And the other day, well, let’s not go there. Let’s just say that it involved a spacesuit, and a can of pickles meeting one very very angry astronaut, i.e. my dad. Oops?

I just realised something else. Behind me is my school, right? And it’s the end of the day, correct? And what happens at the end of the day? You got it. Everyone leaves through the school gates. Meaning that right now, everyone is watching me army crawl along the ground. The ground that just got rained on. You know what else? I don’t care! It just helps me improve my reputation as, well, not a normal human…

“Ew, can you see her? She obviously has a couple of screws loose”

“Look at her top! It’s gone see-through, you can see her bra” oh, a male input. How lovely… you know what? I’m gonna army crawl my way out of this now, think of some other homework to do involving food. And a rainstorm. I like this idea…

The best part? The rainstorm is going to be a nice warm rainstorm. In the privacy of my own bathroom. Which does in fact have a roof, I know right, surprising. Shall we army crawl faster? Oh, maybe we should stop with the army crawling now, yes? Nope. Who would do such a thing? Looking forward to the tube station already!

* * *

Finally done that homework. But I never did get a chance to stalk someone properly, someone my own age. I wonder, what would they say if I beat them up too? Yeah, I guess they wouldn’t enjoy that as much as I would. What can I say, I’m a violent type of person, I like hurting people. As long as they deserve it, that is. I guess you could say that I’m not a random axe murdering type of person. I’m more of the considerate axe murderer, the one you wouldn’t particularly like to meet on a dark corner, but you wouldn’t be terrified of meeting.