scares may fade

chapter three

"sweety, tell me, do you remember the very first time you self mutilated yourself?" you say. I do remember, I remember it clearly. "No." I say. even such a simple word such as 'no' has exhausted me. you looked at me with impatience.

2 years ago, when I was 13, I had a scholarship for cheerleading at mizzou. even though I was only in 8th grade I still got all the attention when I was on the side lines cheering. I had the highest kicks , the biggest jumps, the loudest voice, and the sharpest movements. coach Vicky said cheer ran through my veins. we had a game on Saturday at west middle our arch enemy's. coach Vicky assigned me to lead the banner. it had to be 10,00000° outside because we were on fire! the boys tore through the banner shouting "who's house?! our house!!" the took most of the banner with them leaving us speechless. we cheered them on as we usually do, nervously waiting for the half Time routine that coach Vicky never gives us enough time to rehearse. when the 2nd quarter ended we cheered as we ran to the center of the feild, making small talk to each other saying "it's okay we got this!" and "come on colts let's bring it!!" we stood our positions, me in the front where Coah Vicky said they could all see my smile.

'boom, boom, boom' I hear the music start to play, in my head I think "5-6-7-8-1-2-3-4-5" I hit my first movement "6-7-8-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-1" now is my favorite part , everybody claps as the flyers load in, "6-7-8-1" I'm in the air, the view is Georgous! I can feel my base struggling to keep me up and I realize I'm toeing! I quickly lean on my heals to fix it. "7-8-1" 'one more eight count ' I think. "CRADEL! " my backspot screams. 'dip, pop, down' I think to myself, getting ready to feel the safety of my group. "AHHH! " , "LYDIA !!" "OH MY GOD, NO!!!" I hear all screams as a burst of pain shoots from my ears to my toes, now Im looking up on my group and my other cheer people. a referie comes with a stretcher and 4 paramedics. and the tingling sensation in my leg leaves and is replaced by a burning pain. my group dropped me...... What the fuck just happened?

"I don't remember," I don't want to remember. "please, Lydia think..." you say.

I got home from the hospital with a pink boot on my foot, I broke it and won't be Abel to cheer for the rest of the season. 'ring ring ring my phone sounds on the wall, I pick it up straight away. "hello?"

"Yes is Lydia there?"

"this is her?"

"we have rejected your scholarship for you have injured yourself to the point you can No longer show us your skills, I'm very sorry"

'bop bop bop ' I am speechless, why? why me? I break down crying. run to my room. as I'm sitting on my bed I realize my cat knocked over my lamp. "shit! fuck you mittens!" I go to pick up the glass and a sudden burst of pain in my ♥ stands out. I pick up the first blade of glass, 'i deserve it, I'm a failure.' I think to myself. the next thing I know my wrist is driving blood and the peice of glass Is in my hand.

"nope, I don't remember," I say "to long ago."

"Well, I'll let you sleep on it Lydia , how does that sound?"

I didn't say anything, looking at the clock told me our time was up 5 minutes ago, so I left the room and trudged back to my dorm.

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