Hidden Truths

Chapter 16

A/N this chapter contains violence/ self harm/ suicide

Thursday 17/12/15

Who knew my fifteenth birthday would be the worst day of my life? My dad left us the week before. Mum was in a state of shock. My little brother asked and asked about Dad coming home. And me?

Well, I'm angry Dad left us like this. Left Mum in a state of shock. Left ME to care for the family. I can't take this anymore. And I definitely couldn't four hours ago when Mum drove me insane. Far too insane. So insane that I didn't realise what I was doing until it was too late. So what really happened? Well...

It happened too fast. The knife. The chair. The rope. Mum and me alone. Mum being murdered. Me killing her.

I guess you could call it manslaughter because I slit her throat. But that's not what it was.

You should've seen Mum before she died. She wanted to die. She had to die. She had gotten the knife herself, ready to end her own life. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, but I could say it was the right time too. I gave Mum a helping hand. I ended her life for her. It was a simple but unpleasant favour.

Luckily for me, Mum always went out at night. Therefore Alex asked nothing about her. I didn't have to lie. I didn't have to say anything. I pretended everything was normal, just another normal day.

What about the police? What if they find evidence? What if Alex finds something suspicious? Don't worry about that. I've got it all covered. The blood? I washed and scrubbed every drip of it. Mum's body? I'll get rid of it. The weapon? Washed and dried hidden in the kitchen. Fingerprints? Not necessary so long as the weapon isn't found. The story for the public? Well I don't need to tell them anything. Why would they suspect a fifteen-year-old anyway?

So that's my little secret. My dark secret. No one knows about it except me. And it will always be only me who knows. My mum died today. I killed her today.

I started my new life. My life as a girl with a dark secret. My life as a killer in hiding. My new life for eternity.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no NOOO!!! What have I done? It's my fault, all my fault. I should've stopped her. I should've taken the knife off her. I should've called an ambulance. I should've called the police. I should've told someone? Why didn't I tell anyone?

I'm an idiot. A total idiot. What was I thinking? I just watched her. I let her kill herself. I was there and did absolutely nothing to stop her. So in that sense, I helped her. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Why am I even writing in here? How on earth will writing in this ugly book help me? I need to tell someone. Anyone. But what will I say? Hey there, I hope you don't mind me telling you but I just watched my mum kill herself. I plan to burn her body and bury the ashes in my garden. I washed all her blood off the basement floor. I'm covered in her blood right now. Me and my brother are now orphans because my dad abandoned us to live with his girlfriend of God knows how long.

It doesn't sound good, does it?

It happened too fast. I woke up to get water and I heard someone crying in the basement. I went to check it out and saw Mum. She had tied herself to a chair and there was something in her hand. I couldn't see clearly because the light was dim so I approached her. I will never be able to unsee what I saw in that moment.

Mum, her hair a tangled mess, tears flooded her face, she was holding a knife that was dripping with blood. She had cut her left wrist. The cut was deep. It was horizontal. Fatal.

She turned and saw me watching her, wide-eyed, mouth open in shock, all the colour drained from my face. 'Sam,' she sobbed, 'Sam I...' She broke down then, wailing and crying like a child. I ran up to her and threw my arms around her. I cried and begged her not to do it. I told her I need her and Alex needs her and begged and begged. I knew I was too late but what else could I do?

I broke away from her and took the knife from her hands. 'No Sam,' she begged, 'please I can't live like this.' She didn't wait for a response. In that split-second she grabbed my hand and slashed the knife across her throat.

The knife was still in my hands as I watched the blood well up and flow down her chest, staining her shirt red. I watched as the light left her eyes and for what seemed like hours I just stared at her body, not knowing what to do. Silent tears fell from my eyes as I realised the enormity of what happened.

My mum was dead.

She killed herself.

And I just watched.

Woe to me.

I just let my mum kill herself.

I practically killed her.

What the hell am I to do know?

It's my fault. All my fault. I killed her. I killed her. I killed her. I'm a murderer. I'm a murderer. Someone punish me. Someone kill me. I deserve to die.