Hidden Truths

Chapter 20

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to go. I want to go but I can't. Something is holding me back, trapping me in a cage. I'm sick of it. I need out. I want out. So I'll get out. I don't care about anything anymore.

I switch my phone off and leave it on the sofa. I tie my hair up in a messy bun. I go outside to the back garden. There's a big tree with thick branches that can easily hold my weight. I take a deep breath. It's now or never. I can't back out now.

Finding grooves where I can place my hands and feet, I climb to the nearest branch. Then one by one I climb up the branches that reach the roof. There's one branch that provides a straight pathway for the roof. Slowly and cautiously, I walk across it and climb onto the roof, using the chimney for support.

I've done this before. When I was younger I used to climb up here to escape my parents and be alone. I'd come here to cry and collect my thoughts. This time it's different. I'm not here to cry although my eyes sting with unshed tears. I have no thoughts to collect this time. This time will be the last.

The last of everything. I'll breathe my last, see my last, hear my last and feel my last. I stand at the top of the roof, one hand on the chimney for balance. I close my eyes and swallow back the lump rising in my throat. "Alex I'm so sorry. I hope you live a better life than me. You deserve to be happy," I whisper.

Then I let go of the chimney, bend my knees, take a huge breath and-

"SAAAM!"

I freeze.

"Sam don't do this please!"

I know that voice. Hesitantly, I open my eyes and look down to see Alex.

Crap. Alex. I look around and find he isn't alone. Catherine, Jacob and Aunt Kathleen are standing behind him, all four with tears streaming down their faces. There are three officers, two men and a woman. All have concern etched onto their faces. I look back to Alex.

Oh no. Damn. What I see forces tears out of my eyes. His eyes, oh my god. There's so much pain and love in them. Even from up here I can tell they're red, like he's been crying for hours and hours. His expression. There's so much sadness in his face and posture like he's been enslaved by it. And it's all because of me.

I made him this upset. Damn it! I'm such a horrible person.

"Sam come down please!" His voice breaks as he says it. He takes a step towards me. "Please sis."

One of the officers, the woman, says, "Sam. We're going to get you down okay?"

Looking at Alex, I know I can't do it. I can't abandon him like our parents did. I'm not that heartless. He needs me, so I'll be there for him.

I look at the officer and nod, unable to form words.

She turns to the other officers and says something I can't hear. One of them goes back inside the house. A few minutes later he comes back with a really tall ladder. He places it against the wall so it reaches up to me and holds it in place. The other man climbs up and reaches a hand out to me.

He says to me softly, "Sam come down. You don't have to do this."

I remain immobile, unsure of what to do. I stare at him wide-eyed.

"Don't be afraid. I'll help you."

I hesitate but eventually sit down. Slowly I slide down the side of the roof and reach for the officers hand. Five minutes later and we're back on solid ground.

Alex runs up to me and crushes me in the tightest hug ever. I'm confused, I don't understand what's happening. I just stand there, crying and staring at nothing.

****

An hour later, I find myself sitting on the sofa with a cup of tea in my hand. I still haven't spoken a word. Silent tears roll down my cheeks. Aunt Kathleen and Catherine are in the other room talking with the officers. Alex and Jacob are with me. Neither of them have said anything either. There's an awkward silence but what do I care? I don't care about anything anymore.

I was supposed to be gone by now. Not sitting here with a drink. How can one person change everything so quickly? If they hadn't turned up when they did, if Alex hadn't stopped me, I would've been a corpse. A broken body. But here I am, still breathing and alive.

I put the cup on the table and bring my knees to my chest, resting my arms on them. The boys use that as a sign to start talking to me because Jacob asks "Sam, how are you feeling?" the same time Alex asks "Sis, what happened back there?".

I look at both of them but don't reply. I can't help it; it's like I've gone mute. I rest my head on my arms because I don't want to meet their concerned gazes any longer.

"Hey Jacob? Can you find out what's going on?" I hear Jacob leave the room then Alex sits next to me. He puts a hand on my shoulder then whispers into my ear, "You've got nothing to worry about. You've been innocent all along."

"What?" I look up and face him, finally able to form words.

"You never killed Mum. She killed herself."

"But..." No, this can't be true. I remember that night. I killed her. "I...I was holding the knife. And Mum, she..."

"She grabbed your hand and slit her own throat. You didn't do anything to her."

"How?" Saying I was confused would be an understatement. This didn't make any sense at all.

"You said so yourself in your diary. It was guilt that led you to believe you killed her."

"I... I didn't kill her. I'm innocent," I say to myself. I feel a heavy burden lift off my shoulders. I'm finally free from the shackles. I begin to cry.

"Sis? Why are you crying?"

"I didn't kill her," I say through sobs. "For over two years I thought I did. For over two years I-" I break down in a flood of tears. I bury my face in my hands.

Alex puts a comforting arm around my shoulders. "Shh. I know, sis, I know. But you don't have to live in fear anymore. Everything will be okay. Trust me."

For the first time in two years, I believe that. Everything will be okay. I finally allow myself to hope and dream of a better life. Things will improve. I can feel it in my gut and know it in my heart. Finally, I can live in a better world.