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⚠️Angsty shiz coming up⚠️

⚠️trigger warning - suicidal thoughts, depression and mental illness referenced. Also why the fuck are you reading this?? It doesn't concern you. Go do something important.

Why can't I be normal. I'm usually ok with my weirdness, but this is beyond my normal insanity. I want to be able socialize. I want to be able to go to parties with my friends and not feel sick. I want to not be on a bunch of different meds. So, so, so many people have it worse than me. I have a roof over my head, I live in a country where education isn't just free, it's required, and I have access to the internet and facts so that I can learn about the world and not be brainwashed (mostly) about how society works. So I feel bad complaining. But I just WISH I could be a little more normal. I don't want to be stuck between wanting to be loved by my friends  and wanting to be left alone. I don't want to be able to destroy a soul with a few sentences, or be able to look into someone's eyes and be able to rip out their darkest secrets and insecurities. I don't want to have anxiety or depression, I don't want ADD and a hyperactive brain, I don't want to have suicidal thoughts, I don't want to have body dysmorphia, I don't want to be more than slightly psychopathic, I don't want to have irrational paranoia, I don't want this fucking overactive imagination that's basically ruined my life, I don't want to have insomnia, I don't want to have headaches 24/7, I don't want to have  stories running through my brain and I don't want to know the answer before it's asked and I don't want the only things keeping my soul partially alive to be music and literature. But I do. And everything is really overwhelming. Not just now. Since I was little, I feel sick at the slightest thing, while I can watch a man get his head ripped off or a woman stabbed in a back alley and feel nothing. My sympathy and compassion for people is off the charts; I feel the need to donate pretty much everything I get; I'll help anyone with anything in every legal way I can; I volunteer at food banks and the like monthly - while at the same time, I'm trying desperately to basically collapse society. I feel the need to give 110% to everything and it's destroying me. People kick you down, that's life, and what's important is that you get up again. But what if you don't? That used to be a question, and more importantly, a possibility. Now it's not. Now you CANT not get up again, because you get lectured and yelled at and forced to do things against your will, as if that's going to make you still want to get up. Everyone is going through shit, and compared to most of the world I have it good I guess. But it feels so HARD. I'm not giving up on life- not yet. I'm not done with this world. I'm not going to let anything or anyone kill me- not even myself. But it's difficult. I can't take the amount of sleeping medicine I need to combat my insomnia without the possibility of hurting myself, so I don't. I'm actually terrified when I take most medication (except for like Tylenol or cold medicine or smth), because my family tree has a really dark history of substance abuse. Do you know how scary that is? I want to be better, but does this medication make me better? It just makes me numb. Which, don't get me wrong, as a depressed person, being numb is one of the best feelings; when everything hurts so much and then all emotions go away and the pain is still there but it's like someone put a blanket over it so it's dulled and you just feel a blissful nothing. But at the same time, I'm scared. I don't want to end up like so many others.

Tonight I went to a massive party that my friends' family holds every year, and has since I've known them (which is, to say, a long time). I really only "knew" about six people there, because they are the people I'm really close with; I trust those six, you know? Them, along with maybe 4 others, are people that I always feel I can go to, because they've been there (without realizing it) for me when no one else was. I was having fun, and I was acting like my crazy self with them. My "normal", for a time. It lasted about 2 hours - a lot longer than I was expecting. I'm proud of myself. But then I took it all in, and it was loud, and there were so many people there, and my head hurt and everything was pounding and my brain was racing and everyone looked so unbothered and i suddenly couldn't breathe and my head hurt even more and then I felt like puking out my insides and I felt bile rising in my throat and-
Anyway, it all became to much. I ran away. I slipped out during a loud moment and ran to the curb and sat in the darkness and the light rain coming from invisible clouds and stared up at the stars in the sky and felt like a freak. It's 10 pm by now, hardly late, and I just started thinking about how I should be dead. I work hard to repress these thoughts, but tonight, I gladly welcomed them- because they were better than my imagination scaring me to death by tricking my eyes into seeing something move across the street or my brain running wild. I just let the dark thought stream out into my consciousness, and once they were there, I swept them away. I stayed out there for the next 2 hours. I calmed down, I remembered where I was, I remembered to breathe and I listened to crickets and sat in the chilly air and my headache slowly went away (temporarily). Then I went inside and grabbed a coke (coca-cola, like the drink; dont do drugs kids) and wished I could listen to music or something while observing the party from the corner.

I don't know what the point of this was, but it reminded me that I'm a messed up piece of shit and I needed to get it out. It doesn't matter- no one is gonna read 1.12 thousand words of nothingness because no one cares, and everyone who could maybe relate doesn't even know me.