Breathing You

3

Two years later..

It was raining hard.I felt the pointed hits of the drop on my body but I didn't react.No matter how it hurt.Not only outside but inside as well.I looked down at my black frock.Father Lucas had been kind enough to buy it for me.My hair was tied in a single braid down my back.I wanted to look older today,wanted the people to see that I could handle myself.Handle my grief.But  I shouldn't have worried.There was no one else besides father Lucas and me.

I stared as two men lowered the casket into the wet ground.No tears escaped this time.I had already shed them all.My swollen eyes could attest to that.Still a hint of blurriness again clouded my eyes.I guess I have more left.I pinched my lips tightly.I cannot let them fall.I cannot show  my weakness.I cannot cry.I have to be strong.Mama must be watching me.She'll be really sad if she saw me being like this.I had promised her and I will abide by it.With great force I willed my eyes to keep them from leaking.

I saw Father Lucas coming towards me.His eyes held a hint of sadness.For me maybe or for my mother?I couldn't differentiate.He came close and again tried to shield me from the harsh rain with his umbrella.I shook my head and stepped back.He stepped towards me again and I looked up angry."Mama won't be able to see me if I hide under the umbrella." I shouted out.The men looked my way and shook their heads.

Father Lucas gulped and looked away as well.After a moment he dropped the umbrella and knelt in the dirty ground in front of me. He jerked  me to his arms,hugging me tightly.The tight shield I held over my tears broke free and just like that I forgot all my promises.You also broke your promise mama.I sobbed hard.Tears flowing out freely.

"It's okay ,child.Lord has a plan for all of us.Everything will be alright." He soothed me and that made me cried harder as I clutched his shoulders.How will anything be alright now?

I had lost the only family I had.Was that the God's plan?Did he loved my mama so much that he called her to him and left me all alone?Did he love me less?Was I not a good child?

So many questions jumbled up in my head but I didn't dare ask them out loud.I didn't want Father Lucas to be mad.I didn't want to risk losing the only home  I knew now that mama was no more.I had no where else to go anymore.

We had arrived in this small city church last month and Father Lucas was kind enough to let us stay here.Mama had stopped working long back.Some bad people wanted to hurt her.She feared getting caught and thus we had always moved,Never staying in one place for more than a week.When we stumbled into this church.It came as a blessing.I thought my prayers were finally answered.God hadn't left us.I was so happy that God had finally provided us a place to stay.Now we won't have to move anymore.The last month was the most blissful I had lived in my entire 7 yrs of existence.Mama had started spending more time with me and helping the other nuns in the Church with all the work of the God.She seemed happy and that made me happy as well.Even so,she always seemed afraid,always looking back  her shoulder,flinching at the slightest noise .I always assured her that bad men won't find her now.We were in place of God and He'll protect us but she always smiled that sad smile and hugged me to her.I prayed everyday so that bad men couldn't find us.Maybe that is why God got annoyed with me and took my mama.I shouldn't have trusted Him.

Father Lucas let go.I sniffled and wiped my eyes before he got annoyed of me as well.The men had done their work.My mama now rested in the ground .Father Lucas got up and offered his hand to me,once again the umbrella in his hand.I glanced at mama's resting place once more and took Father Lucas's hand.He led me to the path to the Church.I followed meekly.Small sniffles and hiccups still coming out despite my hard control.

Just then a car screeched to a stop in front of us.I jumped back but Father Lucas stood his ground and stared at the black car.The driver's door opened and a huge man climbed out.I shifted closer to father Lucas.He glanced at the cemetery and then his beady eyes fell on me.I shuddered as his full face came into view.He had a mustache and he was really big.

"How can I help you?" Father Lucas asked the burly man.His eyes finally left me and focused on Father Lucas.

"I am here to take her." He pointed a meaty finger at me.I held Father Lucas's hand tightly.He returned the sentiment by pressing my hand as well.Father Lucas scanned the stranger and his eyes stilled on the stranger's arm where the white shirt had been rolled up.An intricate colorful design occupied the area of the arm that was visible to us.I narrowed my eyes to make it out but the stranger  ran his hand through his hair,irritated by the delay we were causing him.The rain continued falling harder soaking him as he glowered at father Lucas."Fuck,I don't have all day."

I breathed sharply.Father Lucas's lips thinned at the profanity but he held in his disapproval."Give us a moment." He said to the stranger who tsked and got inside his car again,not really happy with the situation.

Finally taking a deep breath,Father Lucas turned and pulled me with him inside the church.I relaxed.I didn't want to be with the huge man any longer.I didn't like him.Free of the rain,I gathered my skirt and squeezed out the water.Father Lucas stood still staring straight ahead at his God.I shared no such feeling and thus busied myself with wringing out the water from my clothes and hair.

"Sister Analise." Father Lucas called the sister over .She hurried to him.He whispered something to her.Sister turned to me with a smile and went on to do Father Lucas's bidding.He then focused on me .He again knelt before me.His hand on my shoulder."Roselle,listen to me carefully.Your mother loved you very much.She cared for you despite her many faults." I listened carefully not sure what to make of this discussion. "She was always concerned about your safety.She discussed with me her plans." He looked at me intently and I didn't like where this was going. "Even before her death,she had already made preparations for your welfare.She told me that a friend of hers would take you in if something happens to her.I wasn't sure earlier but now..."he glanced out the doors to the car. "Your mother left me with clear instructions,you will have to live with that friend of hers until you are of the age when you can make your own decisions." I started shaking my head before he could complete. "I promised her,Roselle.I cannot go back on my words."

"No,I am not going anywhere." I shouted and twisted away from Father Lucas ,staring accusingly at his God.Tears once again found their way down my eyes."This is my home.I am not leaving here."  Father Lucas sighed and got up .Just then Sister Analise came and in her hand was the small bag I was very familiar with.My old companion.The one mama used whenever we had to go somewhere else.She came toward me and wrapped a shawl around my wet shoulders.

I glared at her and then at the bag and finally at Father Lucas.I threw away the shawl ."You don't want me here.You just want me to leave. That is why you are making up stories. Isn't it?"

I could see regret and pain in their eyes but I was too angry to pay attention to them.My hurt took prominence.Father Lucas carried the bag which was no doubt stuffed with all my things,however meager they were, to me.He bent to my level. "I am helpless,my child.Your mother was very insistent on this.She didn't want you to live alone.She feared for your safety.I cannot break the promise I took in front of Lord."  With that he fastened a pendent around my neck.It had a thick silver chain with a very beautiful cross around a rose.My mama's necklace.The one she always had around her neck.She never parted with it.It was her mother's,she told me often that one day I'll be it's owner.And I'll have to take very good care of it.I never knew this day would come so early.

Mama lived alone all her life and she was fine.I will too.

I didn't need them.

I wiped my tears and  snatched the bag from the ground with difficulty.It was heavy and Father Lucas shifted to help me but I stepped back from him. "Roselle. Place your trust in Him, child."

I swallowed around my tears. "I don't trust you,Father Lucas and neither do I trust your God.And I never will."

Sister gasped behind Father Lucas.I didn't wait.I turned around and ran to the car.I stopped in front of the back door.It opened and I climbed in,ignoring the calls of Father Lucas.

The car was warmer than the outside rain.

"Finally." The huge muttered from the front.He gunned the engine and the car roared to life.Not waiting for Father Lucas,the huge man raced down the the dirt road.I settled back,not once looking back,crying silently.