The talent show of God

Cult leader Ralphi

This is my chance.
First up is Jospeh.
Then Responsibility.
And Meredith.
And then me, the leader of them all.

Last place was the place to go, if I went first the expectations would be set too far, which means my followers wouldn't make it. Joseph goes first as he is a lost cause, I already know he will try and do the impossible. Responsibility will go after Jospeh to calm Gods nerves and after her, will be Meredith. Meredith will be the one to ease Gods judgment, to manipulate him to forgive Joseph which will send us all to Heaven.

Joseph struts onto the stage and declares he needs a body of water. God clicks his fingers and a little kiddy pool full of water appears. Joseph bows down to the kiddy pool, his never shaven beard dips into the water and he obnoxiously blesses the water.

Joseph goes up to God who is sitting on the white chair of decision and places two of his fingers on Gods eyelids, shutting them. Joseph leans down and whispers something into Gods ears which makes God let out a gasp full of surprise. Joseph gives God a sly, secretive wink and with that leads God onto the stage. With God's hand in Jospeh's, he leads God into kiddy pool on his back and again, places two fingers on Gods eyelids and shuts them.

With both hands on Gods neck Joseph starts to baptise him under water. Covering Gods gurgaling face with his never shaven beard the veins on Joseph's forehead start to pop out. God starts to thrash around under the water, hands and legs trying to push Jospeh away. Then all of a sudden, he goes still.

Out of thin air two large, bulky mangels (man + angels) appear either side of God.
Their halo and wings shimmer in the white stage light and their tight fitted black leather jackets make their abs very prominent. The mangel to the left throws Joseph to the side while the other quickly grabs God out of the water.

God lies on the ground, motionless.

Mangel number two jumps on top of God and gives him the kiss of life. God heaves and coughs up water. God glances across the stage and finds Jospeh trying to lunge and grab God with all limbs and his teeth. He is being tightly restrained by mangel number 1. Through the power of mangel number number twos kiss of life God leaps off the ground and sprints towards Joseph. God throws him into the kiddie pool face down and while sitting on his back, with two hands on his throat God baptises Jospeh and sends him straight to hell, where he belongs.

After the mangels take Jospeh away to Satan's crematorium and God regains his sanity by slamming the button of no (which automatically kills the act, however in this case, he was already dead) what seems like hundreds of times the next act comes onto the stage. She meekly stands in the centre of the stage, with her long dress that drags behind her, nearly tripping her up she tucks her hands behind her back and stares at the ground. God sits upon his seat impatiently before asking "Your name is Responsibility, correct?'
Responsibility responds with a quick nod.
"And your talent?"
"God, my talent is being a good wife to whom you choose for me. I will only speak while spoken to, I will cook and prepare all meals and abide all his wishes. I will never question his authority and I will wear clothes that show no skin, especially my ankles."

Without hesitation God slams down the golden buzzer and instantly hundreds of golden tickets to heaven float down, the biggest and brightest landing right in Responsibility's palm. God gives Responsibility a sly wink and even from here I can read the address on the ticket, it says
'96 Gods private Ave, Gods house, Heaven.'

Responsibilitya looks up from the ticket and while walking off the stage, she blows God a kiss which he pretends to catch and place on his heart. Behind the curtains, where God can't see the next act starts to walk onto the stage. Meredith, with her jealous eyes penetrating Responsibility she slyly ankle taps her as they pass one another, as Responsibility falls to the ground Meredith quickly catches her and holds a damp cloth over her mouth and lets her drop to the ground with a thud.

The sound of Responsibility falling to the ground wakes God up from his day dream and he quickly focuses all of his attention to Meredith, who is standing on the stage, hands on her protruded hips and her lip being bitten by her teeth. Meredith clicks her fingers and yells "Hit it!"
'Wrecking ball' starts to play through several giant speakers left and right of Meredith and she performs her choreographed dance routine.

Dance routine, who am I kidding, she's a stripper.

She is wearing a red dress just below her knees and on every 8th count she lifts up the dress to show her knees. Not only is it her knees she is showing, but on every 4th count she rolls down her turtle neck to show her collar bones! Everything about her routine screams 'hell' but a little birdie once told me that God has a soft spot for knees and collar bones, of which Meredith is scandalously showing him right now.

God seems to be breathless, and speechless as Meredith finishes her dance off by jumping into the splits, of which she accidentally on purpose shows her shoulder blades.

God walks onto the stage, right up to Meredith and whispers something into her ear. She gives a thoughtful look and then whispers back to God. After a couple of seconds he nods his head slowly and ushers Meredith off the stage, he then goes back to his seat, looks side to side and slams the no button down.

I walk onto the stage and stare into God's eyes, legend says that right before your audition it's good luck to stare him down.
"Greetings God, I am Ralphi, cult leader Ralphi."

"Oh Ralphi, I have been waiting for the day you walk onto this stage. I created you to be a leader, a manipulater and of course you can thank me for your jawline."
I've always wondered where my jawline came from, both my Mother and Father have round faces.

"God, I am here today to audition for my ticket to heaven, the thing is I don't really have a talent, so I thought I could give you something."

I walk towards God and with everything second step I remove a piece of clothing until I stand in just my mankini, which I plan to swim in later when I arrive to heaven.
I bend down and give God a peck on his cheek, as I have heard from a little bird he has a soft spot for. God swats my hands away as I go to reach for his cheek and looks me dead in the eyes.

"You, out of all people should know I don't approve of two men being together. And as for Meredith's wish, instead of all your followers going to heaven, you're all going to hell, where you will rot to the core."

With this, God leaps up from his chair and with one leg, he jumps onto the no button and sends me straight to hell, where I find Jospeh. I grab his weeping, broken body into my arms and cradle him till his tears stop pour.ing. He looks up at me, with those eyes, the eyes of a lover and I know that this is where I'm supposed to be, where I belong.