Losing It

Where it all goes wrong, many times

Being 16, diagnosed with a condition that no one really knows about, the horrible stage of secondary school and the drama of wanting to fit in but yet be yourself.  I don't know if it was just me but if I could go back, I would do so many things differently.  What follows on from this is a shit storm.

I remember liking a lot of boys, boys who thought I was cool but just not cool enough to go out with- that's a fantastic feeling!  All my friends had boyfriends or kissing someone and I was the tom-boy playing computer games at house parties, also good cos no drama.  It all started to change when my friends and I were allowed to go nightclubs, fake id's are a godsend lol!  And like that, I spotted this guy- definitely older than me and I laugh at this now  cos he's only 4yrs older than me.  I instantly fell in love with him or my dumb brain did.  Somehow, every house single house party we were at he was there.  I eventually spoke to him after months and months of ogling this dumb creature.  Usual nonsense if I'm honest, what kind of conversations can you have at 16 with a fella who is older and hangs around with other cool people?!  Homework, football and abysmal tastes in music.

I'll forward some parts cos it's absolutely cringeworthy and well I'm making myself gag right now.  I invite him to my formal, he goes, all good- everybody happy.  We text and text, stupid teenage bullshit on my part.  Oh, Nisha you fool.  He asks me out on a date, cinema, late at night- we kiss the end lol.  I'm joking, it's not the end but I wish it had have been.  We have a Friday night ritual, he calls to mine and we watch crap tv and order take out.  I always knew in the back of my head something was wrong but alas tinted glasses. 

Fast forward some more, turns out he has a girlfriend and always had a girlfriend....lol oh how I laugh.  I recall that summer being dumped by text, I cried and it felt like a super duper arrow breaking my heart.  But you know?  It's okay!  I'm going on a girly holiday to Spain and it's going to be great, eye roll.  A week before the holiday, there's a house party and he's there.  You ever get those feelings that you just know something will happen?? Yup, my virginity will be broken at 17.  I'm going to pass on the details but yeah, it was pretty bog standard and I walked home that morning and cried into my pillow.  That event alone made me irrational and think all these things that he really liked me but couldn't be with me cos he wasn't ready to be with me.  Please tell me I'm not alone with this situation???

Do you know how this lasted?? Six horrible years of being on/off, him with someone else, me with someone else.  He sleeps with someone behind my back, I do it back- we fight and argue until we say sorry and the cycle continues.  I get a boyfriend and he gets a girlfriend, we message at the weekends and meet up knowing that it's nonsense- a continuous cycle of me feeling like crap.  I know he doesn't like me the way I like but I can't see it.  It hurts and it's a pretty horrible feeling liking/loving someone so much that you would hurt yourself just to spend time with that person.  I absolutely hate myself with what I done when I know fine rightly he was seeing someone.  That's not my nature and I tell myself everyday that I'm sorry.

For awhile, it's quiet- I'm busy with college and I meet someone who I genuinely like. We date, date some more and make it exclusive.  It's pretty perfect until I get a message from that man.  It happens again and I hate myself.  The cycle begins and I'm tortured with these thoughts.  Judge me, hate me and call me horrible names but if I had the chance to go back, I would never have cheated but it's done now. 

The genuine guy and I continue to date then we break up.  I don't feel hurt for some reason but I feel sad and empty or it felt like that at the time.  Stupidly enough, we book a holiday to Las Vegas and we get on well,  as friends.

Sooooo, yeah- that's that.  Apologies if it's disjointed or in my terms, absolute rubbish! The next chapter is going to be more difficult for me.