My Suicide

Note: This is an excerpt from a sort of autobiography. I had intended to make it into a fanfiction, but I ended up making it essentially a diary. So, don't enjoy, or do. Have fun. Sorry you had to make it to this place. You're welcome if I help you, this information is hard to come by.

Wisdom from Me: The knives are never sharp enough. The gun is never aimed properly. The pills aren't poisonous enough and that hitman isn't reliable. Always have a backup plan already in motion if you fail the first time.

I glanced at the page count. I'd have to change the "Prologue" back to "Chapter One" if it continued in this streak (AN: I'm referring to writing these words on a doc). Hesitating, hitting the shift key a few times less than the sticky keys prompt would require, I wondered once more why I even bothered. Was it to make myself feel better? Was it a cry for help? Was it one last "Fuck you" to the world?

Or, no, I thought, maybe it was just to die knowing I did what I loved till the very end. I greatly enjoyed writing, I knew. I wasn't a poet, though I did write poetry when real life got too distracting. I was a fanfiction author, and a failed fiction author.

Deciding to play some music, I looked at my recommended. Ooh, YouTube knew what was up. Instead of seeing My Mix, I saw "he will never wake up again". Unable to resist, I clicked on it. I was so excited for later that day. I'd finally die! Fuck yeah.

I ignored the small voice in the back of my head asking about if I survived. I just did the appropriate research.

For someone of my size, 2800 mg of Benadryl, along with many blood thinners and a sharp enough knife should do the trick. It was 40mg per Kilogram. I weighed 150lbs. As I'd probably post this, you could do the math if you so wished.

No, nevermind. I'm feeling generous. 2800 divided by 150, that'd be about 19mg per pound. However much you weigh, I'd do 20mg per pound to be safe, and multiply it. Be rude with your weight, it'll already take about 2 hours to die if you do it precisely. Seeing as I was already being generous, and am planning to die from blood loss and not Benadryl, but just in case I survive or am "saved" have a backup plan, I personally suggest having a second plan as well.

It took me three years of thinking about it to decide. Don't be stupid and use this information because your girlfriend broke up with you, or vice versa. Use it if you genuinely find nothing appealing about life. Not sex, not money, not love.

If you would change your mind if you won a million million dollars, don't.

If you would change your mind if some sexy beast came up to you and desperately wanted to be with you forever, or just have sex, don't.

If you would change your mind if a kind person hugged you, and becomes your lifelong friend, don't.

If you had a pet cat/dog/fish/etc that smiled at you and filled you with love, don't.

Lastly, if you are crying while planning to die, or if you are at all afraid, don't. Even if a single tear leaks out from your eyes when you prepare to pull the trigger, or swallow the alarmingly large amount of pills, do not. It means you still have something on this planet that's worth living for.

If you get excited at the thought of finally dying, if you can still happily chat away with your best and closest friend without changing your mind, if you can see a puppy or kitten and not feel any remorse for removing yourself from this planet, then I have nothing more to warn you against. If you can't afford it, get a job. I did. I got a job, spent $200 on my favorite foods and everything I'd even vaguely thought would help in my endeavor, and am extremely happy.

If I survive, I won't cry. I won't be mad. I won't even care too much.

I'll just be tired. Expect to be tired if you are "saved". Expect to be mad or crying if you are saved. Lastly, expect to be relieved if you never wanted to kill yourself in the first place. For the last one, if you're reading this... Everyone else looks at you, and feels demeaned. Attention? Self-pity? Hope? Why even bother if you want or have those things?

Life is hard, but death is so much harder. Continue living if you don't want to die, seriously.

I suppose this is my goodbye to the world. I said I'd never do that, here. I always lie to myself, though. "I'm happy", "I can do this", "I can survive one more day"... "I can be redeemed", "Someone will save me". No. I'm done.

Thank you for being alive, genuinely. Even if you aren't much longer after this, thank you so much for being born. I understand. I hate myself too. Yes, this is a genuine thank you. I'm just so glad that you exist. So glad that I'm not alone, even after my own death.

Enjoy life. Enjoy death. But, mainly, enjoy the pain that gives you the wisdom. Enjoy the experiences that brought you here, good or bad, because there's no better thing to do than see the beauty in life, and reject it to embrace death. Vice versa.

Good bye, Universe. Thank you for having me this long.