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45. She's a Man Baby! A Man!

Today I stupidly made the mistake of calling Brad and Jeanine to tell them about my big discovery, or maybe I should say “about-average-sized” discovery. Not sure (as I said before), I don’t have much experience with these kinds of things. Brad and Jeanine do, of course, so they insisted on coming over and inspecting the item in question.

“Do you know what this means?” asked Brad.

We were in my room, all hunched over the laptop, closely examining the picture.

“What?” I asked.

“It means Winona and I can totally get married!” he said ecstatically.

“No, that’s not what it means,” Jeanine responded. “Can this picture get any bigger? Where’s the zoom?” she hit a few buttons on the laptop and the picture quickly expanded.

“Too big! Too big!” I said.

“You don’t understand, you guys,” Brad said. “This is a gay man’s dream come true!”

“I’m not following,” Jeanine responded.

“Female popstars are perfect except for one thing,” Brad explained.

“What’s that?” she asked.

“They have lady parts.”

“I see,” Jeanine replied.

“The only thing that would be better than this is if it turned out that Lady Gaga were a guy too…or Cher.”

“Cher’s old enough to be your grandmother,” I said.

“Don’t be gross, Agnes,” Brad said. “Is it possible to get this picture blown up to poster size? I want it for the back of my closet door. I shall call her, WiMANa!”

“So what’s the deal?” Jeanine, said turning to me. “Has Winona been a dude this whole time?”

“We don’t know,” I said. “But we’re going to find out.”

“Who’s we?” asked Brad.

“Well, me…and Tyler,” I responded.

“Bow chica bow bow,” sang Jeanine. “You two are totally going to get it on!”

“We are not!” I said. “Gross!”

“What exactly is it that you find gross about Tyler Dash?” she asked. “Is it those beautiful blue eyes? Are those what’s gross about him?”

“Perhaps it’s that hot surfer body of his,” asked Brad, chiming in. “Maybe that’s what’s grossing you out.”

“Tyler Dash is the enemy, you guys,” I said. “Remember? He’s what’s standing between me and Markham Murdoch. Plus, he blackmailed me into giving him this picture in the first place and I’m only working with him to make sure he doesn’t screw me over.”

“Listen you,” said Jeanine, pointing a finger in my face aggressively. “You owe it to me to hook up with Tyler Dash. I became friends with you because I thought you were going to be a slutty teenager who I could live vicariously through. Instead, you’re exactly like I was in high school!”

“What Jeanine means is, we just don’t understand why you hate Tyler Dash so much,” said Brad, stepping between us.

“That’s not what I meant,” said Jeanine.”

“Tyler kept his word and hasn’t posted that picture on his site,” Brad continued. “He seems like kind of a good guy.”

It’s true. Tyler could have easily posted the picture by now, but he hasn’t. Maybe Brad’s right. Maybe he’s not the rat bastard I thought he was. Just kidding, of course he is. He’s probably plotting to double-cross me this very minute. Do you think it’s too early to call him? I should probably call him.