Love and Other Misfortunes

Chapter 18

Draco's hands were shaking as he diced vegetables.

Generally, potion making was something he enjoyed and helped to clear his mind; the precision and the focus it required. Potions yielded back what the brewer gave.

It was the same with cooking, and soup had the upside of tasting better than most potions.

There was not much precision or focus going into the leeks that he'd just mangled.

He laid the knife down and stared at the cutting board.

There was no way, no fucking way he could have sex with Hermione as her friend. And they both knew it.

He was pretty sure something inside him had permanently broken when she'd started turning grey and then collapsed as her body went into shock but been so angry with him that she hadn't wanted his help.

Having her try to fight him off and push him away when she was dying was not something he expected to ever fully recover from.

He closed his eyes and dragged in an unsteady breath as he tried to make his hands stop trembling enough to be functional.

He had known they couldn't make it work.

He'd tried to brace himself for that inevitability when he was in prison, even though Granger been adamant that she loved him, that her feelings weren't something brought on by gratitude, or shock, or guilt. That she wasn't trying to make it work simply because it had been the only way for her to survive.

He'd been sure that when the suddenness wore off, she'd realise how little ground they had to stand on in the sea of anger she still owed him.

He just hadn't expected it to happen so abruptly.

Watching her fall apart as all of her rage to just poured out... the rawness of her emotions over everything he'd done to her.

He hadn't been prepared for it, hadn't braved himself enough for how hard it would be to handle when she stopped believing she could love him.

He'd still been reeling from it when he'd carried her to the healers and learned that his decision to let them be separated immediately after bonding had been killing her; that she'd been starving; that she hadn't even fully recovered from Pansy's attack when she'd come to him and he'd violently claimed her—

He hadn't known.

He'd barely let himself read about what being bonded with her would be like. He hadn't had any idea that the extent of his manifestation meant she'd need weeks to stabilise; that he was going to be injuring her by going to the Ministry.

There was a physically searing sense of guilt straight through his chest that hurt so much it was difficult to breathe.

Everything he tried to do to protect her seemed to end up hurting her more

Even being hit by the Unforgivable. She had nearly died and might be permanently injured from reviving him. And she'd done it intentionally. He knew, based on the lack of surprise on her face when Abasi said she might not get her magic back.

It was something she'd already anticipated.

He knew how frequently she kept trying to reach out to him through the bond. He could feel her, like a caress against the back of his mind, every time she came up to his occlumency walls. He hadn't realised that every time she reached out she was re-experiencing his death.

He knew the sense devastation he'd felt through the bond when she was nearly dying. The realisation that she had felt him go all the way, and that it so traumatised her that she kept reliving it—it was horrifying.